Welcome to My World

Hey, Lauren here. Just wanted to pop in to chat for a minute if you're free. I've been thinking lately, about life in general, but also how I want to show up for the people in my life. The people that I want to make bigger connections with but can't seem to figure out why things aren't clicking. Maybe I'm not focusing on the right things or the timing isn't right. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough to show my care to the interests which inspire them.

Or maybe, I haven't been showing up for myself.

Maybe I haven't learned well enough about my own hopes, dreams, and mind. Maybe I'm not as stable as I constantly convince myself I am. Maybe I've been standing in the way of all I wish to accomplish.

See, there's this funny thing about me. A funny thing where at every point in my life I choose to back down when it matters most instead of making strides to move forward. Whether it be with school or my career, I can't seem to allow myself steady footing before I decide it's too hard and not worth it. I can't muster up the courage to give into the devotion and hard work it takes to propel my life in the direction I want.

I've been sitting with myself, mulling this over in my head, and thought I'd talk to you about it. You being someone who might be in the same position as me. You who have tried, and tried again to seek happiness and break past the walls of deep rooted anxiety, fear, and depression. You who are seeking for the answers but are afraid to turn inward and reveal them. I want us to be able to be honest with each other. I want us to feel safe and comfortable to dive into these insecurities and glean their true purpose. Let's find out what lies beneath them, what drives them, what fuels them. And what you do next is your choice to make.

The way I see it, there are two:

Find the courage to rise above and makes changes to inspire your happiness

or

Let fear drive you back down into stagnancy

If there's one thing I've decided for myself, it's that I do not wish to remain in a state of stagnancy. I do not wish to become so comfortable in my unhappiness and solitude that I forgo pursuing bigger things.

For me, it's entirely too easy to slip back into old bad habits where I allow myself to hide behind excuses and prolong procrastination. I've been festering in this space of wanting to grow but being scared to commit myself to the process.

All I've felt for a long time is hopelessness and dread. Unease at the prospect of my future yet reluctance to break through this barrier. I'm starting to realize that I've let myself become stuck here, and I don't know how to escape. But I do know one thing.

I need to leave this place.

I need to explore new areas of myself and experience all the wonderful shittiness this world has to offer, so that I can decide where to begin. It's not one big thing that will magically change my life, it's an accumulation of small lessons and decisions that amount to the person I will become.

I need to figure out where I want to be, who I want to be with, and most importantly, who I am.

What's important to me? What do I value most? What drives me to be better and stay firm on the journey?

All of these questions will have answers if I just continue to show up for myself and really put in the work. Discern all my impulses and triggers, decide how I can turn this knowledge into something worthwhile.

I hope that this is something we can work through together. I pride myself on my independence, but I think I'll need your help for this one. It's going to take a lot of effort but I'm ready to take this on. I've prepared and meditated and done all the things to get me started. Now it's time to start the grunt work. This is the beginning of me.