Everything and Nothing

Why is it that all bad things come in pairs? Or in my case quintuplets?

I'm facing a lot of hard choices right now, forks in the road, if you will. As things are currently, I won't be able to support myself much longer on my income. At the end of each month, my savings become more and more abysmal, as well as my motivation to pull myself out of this rut. I'm doing my best to earn more money, I really am, but I don't think luck is on my side with this one. It may be trying to tell me that I'm not currently going down the right path, or I'm not ready for it.

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It was a bit premature, me leaving my mother's house and moving out with my sister. I had just started a new job a couple months prior and my bank account was already standing low from it's unsteady pay. Before we had found the place, my sister and I had already booked a trip to Cuba, one which I couldn't afford if it weren't for a financing plan lasting a year. About three weeks before we left for this trip, we toured an apartment building and decided to apply for it. I had been looking for a long time to move out of my mother's, and my sister was the same, except at our father's. After many credit checks and the unfortunate event of getting my father to co-sign the lease, we got the place.

I was not expecting this.

Leaving so soon for our trip, moving into a new place, putting down first and last month's rent, it was all too much for me money-wise, and mentally to be honest. I was extremely stressed out and couldn't enjoy our vacation. I was thinking about going back to a job I already hated, moving in the rest of our things, and balancing bills, rent, groceries, gas: all the essentials.

At first, I thought I could make it work. I knew that when it came down to it, I could problem solve and find ways to work extra hours if need be. And so I accumulated a few clients to clean houses for, which doesn't earn me a lot, but enough to help ease the load a bit. I've been constantly applying to part time jobs and full time night shift opportunities with zero offers of an interview. The job I'm working currently has hours affected by the weather and whims of my boss, who will often cut the day short when he feels so, which leads me even further down the pit.

And now I need to get my car in to check its power steering, battery, suspension, and 02 sensors, as well as an oil change which I still haven't gotten around to doing myself. This will cost a pretty penny. With my credit card already close to being maxed out, I don't have many options here.

Today my sister and I noticed that my cat wasn't able to use the litter box. He would go in every two minutes, but never left anything to be scooped. She went to school for animal care and worked in a clinic so it wasn't hard for her to figure out: he has a urinary tract infection, also known as a UTI. In itself, it isn't too painful for him, especially since we've caught it early, but the procedure required to fix this issue will be costly. I don't have any extra money right now to spend. She said that the clinic will do payment plans if it's expensive, but that doesn't really ease my worries.

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I've taken the past three days off work. I'm not mentally stable right now and knew that I couldn't bear to go in. My boss makes me second guess myself and makes me feel like an all around idiot most of the time, which definitely doesn't help my fragile mental state. I told him that I've been sick because I knew he wouldn't accept mental health as a valid reason for my absence. He doesn't understand those types of things. It also really doesn't help that he's outwardly racist and homophobic. Fun fact about me, I'm bisexual, which makes working with him the most undeniably frustrating experience I've faced. He makes comments everyday about queer people and ultimately discredits our experiences. I have to wonder, if I ever told him about my sexuality, would he fire me? Even though I hate this job, I can't afford to lose it.

So yah, there's a lot that makes me want to leave, and a lot of this is what has caused me to finally break down and not show up for my shifts. I have to go back tomorrow. I need to have some money on my next paycheque with all of these unexpected expenses I have to deal with. It doesn't make it any easier though. I know that he's going to grill me for not being in, and I have to be ready to lie my ass off to make it believable. Trust me, I don't feel great doing this, but I'm in a position where it's sink or swim. Either lie or be fired. I think you know which one I'll choose.

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From all of this, my mind has been a war zone. I can't think indiscriminately and make solid choices. My depression, once again, has a hold on me, which is making me grow more anxious by the day.

There's only one plausible option in all of this: move back in with my mom.

If I did this, then there would be less pressure on me financially. I wouldn't have to pay as much rent and my other bills would become more manageable. I could finally save money for school and emergencies, which is something I haven't been able to do in months. If there was a break in my jobs, it wouldn't matter as much since the responsibility I have now would lessen. No utilities, no parking space, more money coming in and less going out. It seems like my Hail Mary.

But then there's the matter of my pride. I worked hard to get where I am, to finally have my independence, and now I have to choose between keeping it and surviving. I hate the idea of taking steps backward, but I also recognize that sometimes that's what you have to do to move in the right direction. To progress with steady footing and have support to catch me when I fall.

I guess it's decided then: this is what I have to do. No matter how much I love where I am, I will have to make this sacrifice. Now it's all a matter of when.

Do I ask my sister's boyfriend to take my spot on the lease before it's up? Do I wait until the end of March when the lease ends? Will I make it that long, financially?

There's so many factors here to consider. But I need to take action, and soon. Any longer and I will just be further damaging myself, in more ways than one.

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Anyways, that's my update for you today.

Be well and take care of yourself, alright?