I've lost all motivation to work a typical 9-5. I used to be able to force myself through it, because it's what needs to be done, but now I can't help but think about all the other things I could be doing. Working on starting my own business, going back to school, putting effort into new friendships, forming a solid routine to support my well-being. I would much rather prioritize these things, but I also have to look at this realistically.
I need income to survive, to pay my bills. There's really no way around this. I either have to make a hard choice to go back to school while being broke and in debt, or keep pushing through the monotony of day jobs until I reach my true breaking point, that is, if I haven't already blown past it.
The thing about school is that I don't know what I'm passionate about. Well, not enough to make a career out of it. At best, I'm now thinking of a general entrepreneurship course that will supply me with basic information to jump-start the lingering thoughts of business ownership in my brain. I love crocheting and creating new and unique designs. I want to be able to share these with the world, to bring a smile to people's faces, for people to hold my creations as a dear relic to them. And I also love the art of writing. It's so fluid, so forgiving, I can truly get lost in it. There are infinite possibilities for me to explore in this space, holding my interest longer than most pursuits in my life. It feels like something that will always be a part of my life, something that I wish to use as a tool to help others. I want to be a strong voice that guides people in seeking growth and healing in their lives. It would make me so happy if I could one day publish a book.
But then that's also something I feel I should have further education on. I don't have enough trust in myself to take the leap and just begin.
It seems so daunting when the blank page is before you, and you feel under-qualified to give advice about things you are actively struggling with. But I view this as part of the process. Growth is not linear. It's a series of ups and downs, dropping you off and picking you back up again. As the past processes, new thoughts arise, most uncomfortable and ever-present. Of course the ego will make you think that you are a lost cause, unable to continue as you were before.
From this, I am constantly reminding myself that these moments do not define my entirety. I will speak about the topics I feel passionate about and drawn to, simply because they are important to me. I wish to express my personal experiences with certain struggles so that others may learn and grow from them as well. I envision it as a guide I am creating, a way to help ease the chaotic navigation through one's own mind.
I've allowed fear to take this opportunity away from me, but I am here today to reclaim my power. This is my safe space, this is my community, this is my heart.
I must stay true to myself in the face of all contrary things.
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