I tend to forget that I started in a place much worse than this.
I had no semblance of what it meant to be me, crippling anxiety, and no inclination towards getting better. I had resigned myself to being in a circular state forever. Of waking up, looking in the mirror, revulsion ensuing, negative thoughts corrupting, relationships breaking, trust withering. Then they would reach their summit, of the ultimate punishment. And it would start again, day after day, month after month.
I wasn't sure that I would ever be free from it. I had grown accustomed here, it was almost becoming a new comfort. Whenever my boundaries were beginning to grow, it would truly frighten me. I would do everything in my power to refrain from experiencing this. I would pull away from friends, lash out at my mother, purposely provoke my already easy to anger father. Anything to make me feel as if I was a terrible, horrible person. One that was deserving of all the cruel words I would whisper to myself at night, carving them into memory. It was a gentle reprieve, the next day I thought clearer. I thought that this was a way to fix myself, I just had to atone for my sins in a plainly tangible way.
My hips and thighs, now scattered with white, I wish I had not gone down this path.
But sometimes I am grateful for it. While a dangerous connection to oneself, it also proved to unearth all of those nagging thoughts and feelings I have always harboured. I could see my insecurities laid bare before me. This was not the way to achieve my answers, but I am glad to have found them. I didn't look at them as answers at first, some days I still see them as the truth of my being. But when I can see without mental illness deluding my thoughts, I know that these thoughts, these whispers, are born from a place of unsettled reality. Their messages are not gospel. They exist to keep me safe, as in to keep me safe from risk, of the possibility of getting hurt even further. My mind does not want me to acquire any more trauma, it is trying to protect itself. In doing so, it shelters me from being able to partake in a normal routine, with normal thoughts and normal habits. I view the world uniquely. I see friends as enemies, kind words as lies, compassionate action as a trap.
Everything is distorted, nothing is as it seems, my brain shouts. Keeping me immobile, scaring me away from newness, this also disallows productive and healthy routines to form. I do not want to socialize due to my immense anxiety. I do not want to spend time with other people, in fear they will realize that I'm no fun to be around. I do not want to be loved, because with love comes vulnerability comes rejection comes heartbreak. There are too many scenarios implanted in my mind in which things fall apart miserably, so I forgo trying altogether. It's a toxic relationship, the one I hold with myself. I want to get better, truly I do, but then these thoughts drag me back down to supposed reality. It's been a constant push and pull with this mindset, having better days then having worse. It's always a toss up which mood I will find myself drawn to.
What's always consistent is the restlessness. The jiggling of my knee, my hands running through my hair, my teeth biting my lower and upper lips. I want more. This feeling enraptures me so much that I forget how far I've truly come. I can never stop to appreciate the troubles I've overcome, because I'm so consumed with what's coming next. I need to learn to take a breath, look around me, and see where all of my flaws and insecurities have blossomed into something far more productive. Instead of becoming immobile, I have gone forth to solidify my unsurety. I have made steps to improve my anxiety by going out to clubs, having deep conversations with strangers, kissing a girl I just met on New Year's Eve. I have slowly learned the language of loving myself through kind words in the mirror and wearing what I feel comfortable in, not what others would find me attractive in. I have worked several different jobs in several different fields, all of them pushing my skill boundaries as well as mental grudges, allowing me to view the world in a more encompassing light.
There's so many good things that have come forth from my persistence.
I'm in a much better state than I used to be.
I will do well to remember this.
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