The Sick Sweetness

It’s easy to become numb, to feel nothing towards the happenings in your life. I find myself slipping into it without even realizing. I tune out my inner voice and lie to myself until I believe that everything’s okay. I tell myself that nothing is my fault and that there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with the way I’ve been living. There’s a honey glaze over everything, which tricks me into believing I’ve overcome my hardships and worked through large parts of my trauma. This makes me complacent, lazy, and helpless. But then, it’s like one day I wake up and realize that I haven’t been in control of any of my decisions. I open my eyes to the fact that I’ve been wasting my time doing nothing, feeling hopeless, and wallowing.

Whenever I ice out my emotions, it doesn’t stop my depression from taking over. All it does is take some of my awareness and sensitivity away so that I don’t feel so overcome by it. The side effect of this is that I have no motivation to do anything meaningful. I barely eat, barely sleep, physically exert myself past my limit, socialize minimally, take offense easily, and am an overall unbearable person to be around. I’m constantly exhausted in this state by trying to feel purpose. It feels like everything’s blurry and muffled, each step forward really being five steps back.

However, the thing that rattles me is that sometimes, this works for me. After being numb for so long, I have no choice but to face my experiences and allow space to work through them. Since they’ve already been brought to the surface, there’s no use in trying to bury them again. Now, I have to work through them and try to grow, otherwise I will fall back into these bad habits and start the cycle once more.