Where We Left Off

I feel deeply unsettled. Fettered with the possibilities and pitfalls of life. Things feel out of focus at the moment and I'm trying my best to re-centre and find balance.

How do I play this waiting game without losing hope?

The answers will come to me, there's not much to do.

In the meantime, I can keep working through my shit. Throw out what's not working and keep what is. It seems the object has been lost along the way and I'm left picking up the scattered pieces. Work on body image, not being so quick to criticize, opening up room for more love in my heart.

Above all, I need to deal with the past. I've tried, but it still has a vehement hold over me. I just don't know where to start, or how to start. I've already dug through so much I feel like there's nothing left to give. Yet I can feel it inside of me like a sickness, like a disease. It's eating away at me and not letting me breathe. I am ready to be free of this dread, please, won't you let me?

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Building up my confidence. Not letting others rule my destiny. Abandoning vices that are detrimental to my being. These are all things that I need to work on.

The way in which I view myself is a concerning subject. While I believe I can be successful and firm within my desires, there is an opposing part of me which negates this. It tells me that I have everything to lose, everything to fear. It whispers words of outrage and discontent, telling me that the progress I make will not amount to something worthy. So how can I tell this voice to shove it? How can I regain power and control of my own thoughts?

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Words of affirmation are so validating to my wellness. They lift me up and inspire courageousness. When I don't receive them from external forces, I feel powerless. I do not feel that I should continue on my path, and that this is the wrong one altogether. I give into lies and deceit, purposefully turning my back on the emotions I hold inside, favouring the silence provided by zero expectations.

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It's a crazy thought that I can have two entirely different versions of myself, both occupying the same space in my mind. Their voices are so similar, yet distinct. One is nurturing, kind, forgiving. The other rash, desperate, chilling. They do not share the light equally. The positive one will be in its prime, telling me stories of its inspiration and joyful glee, when suddenly the negative one swoops in, as if called upon, to crush these hopes and categorize them as foolishness. The whiplash I receive is jarring. How can I go from such positivity to such dread? My mind barely has time to catch up with this change of pace.

Whenever this happens, I feel an immediate shift in my energy. I become unmotivated and sullen, unable to get out of bed, feed myself, or brush my teeth. All the life gets sucked out of me, into the hoover of desolation.

What I hadn't realized until today, is that there are triggers constantly surrounding me. Invisible ones, prominent ones, the ones that I thought were one thing, but turn out to be another. I have not dedicated enough time into getting to know their origins. This has been to my detriment.

There are certain activities, people, and words that bring out feelings of unworthiness and resolute negativity. They serve to alter my mindset, shifting it towards much darker themes. It could be the prospect of learning something new, being forced to meet new people, using the bathroom at a friend's house; they all have their little connotations leading directly to my past. They remind me of a time that I wasn't safe or secure, when I had no control over the people brought into my life, when I thought I was going to be physically harmed. All of them present a bread-crumb trail, coercing me to follow them back to the moments of reckoning.

I need to make note of every instance in which this occurs. This way, I can line them up against circumstances in my past, clarifying which exact ones lead to these feelings of self-deprecation and harm. This will allow me to see past my triggers and regain my power over them. I will know exactly why I respond the way I do, and be able to shift this to something more positive. I will no longer shut down, or dissociate, or exist in mind numbing pain, but rather see where the faults have grown and mend the bridge. Find a new way to prevail through set-backs so that I can continue stronger than before.

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Be honest with myself, do not hide behind excuses, dig up the shitty muck that has been covering my life in putridity.

These are my new goals moving forward.

And I will succeed.