Now that you're lonely, you've come crawling back to me. Despite your anger, despite your unwillingness to be honest, you come back anyway. Is this all I am to you? Some method of curing your boredom? I don't matter unless you need something from me, it's always the same.
I'm sick of the constant back and forth, the push and pull with your moods. Aren't you tired? Don't you want a genuine relationship with me? I guess you don't care enough to want that. It's always about you. How your day was, what shitty thing your boyfriend did, what people's life choices did to piss you off. I don't matter. Sure you ask, but you don't open the floor for me to be open, to be vulnerable. I think I deserve at least this if I'm going to be present in your life.
I've taken hits, I've taken everything you have to give. I just take it because I care and want you to see that, want you to view me as something valuable in your life. But it's never enough, and I'm tired of trying to find out what is.
I'm too unstable, I haven't gone to college, I don't leave the house enough, my hobbies are a joke: these are all things you make me feel ashamed of. You may not voice them, but I hear your intent loud and clear, you may as well be shouting.
I don't want to sink back into this routine, have you trying to pull me in with everything you have. You may not see it so, but it's malicious, your disregard. I'm barely afloat, and here you are to take even more from me. I just can't do it, I have nothing left in me, I don't even have enough for myself.
But you'll chip away at my defenses, at my guilt, forcing me back into your clutches so that I can never leave. I don't want this, please someone take me away from it all. I'm not doing a good job at it myself, I fear I never will.
I've relapsed again. But I'm sure you don't want to hear it. You'll just be focusing on yourself and think I'm weak. Because you have it all. You're safe, you're secure, you've done the work. But I don't believe it. I believe it's a facade you put up so you don't have to face reality, face your emotions. Nevermind this, we'll just carry on like everything's swell, just as you want it.
I am a voiceless person, to be talked to, but never talked with. If that's what you want, I can't do that and I'm not sorry. This is my life and I am the priority. My feelings should never be belittled by someone who I held such reverence for. You have made me jaded. It can never be undone, no matter what you do or say.
It's over, the ruse is up, I know your secret. You're becoming too much like him to bear.
I must leave.
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