It's like I can't help myself, I keep coming back here. The unrest, the negligence, it eventually reaches its summit. I can't look people in the eyes, I start to fidget. It becomes a chore to even drink water.
It's gotten bad again, and I don't know how to help it. I've no one to turn to, so I hope I can find some peace with you. It's been a while since we've had a heart to heart, and for that I apologize. I haven't been feeling myself, not sure of the why. I start to gain footing, then life pulls the rug from underneath me. It's one thing after another, piling up, forcing me into immobility.
Right now, my room is a mess, I only have one dose left of my medication, I haven't showered since Friday (it's Monday night now), and I can't find the will to do any of these things. I keep getting those incessant thoughts filtering through my brain. I can't seem to shut them off today. For the last couple weeks, they've come and gone. But the intervals are shorter now and I fear it's here for at least a while. I promise I've been trying my best, to stay on top of meds and distracting my mind, but sometimes it just isn't enough.
My depression lulls me into a state of inability to do most anything. When I'm like this I truly believe the thoughts my brain is feeding me. I can feel my true thoughts, trying to persist, but I can't quite get myself to believe them. I can usually fight back or distract myself with other things, but currently all I can do is sit with these feelings and let them fester.
I wish I had the answers, both for myself and for you. I'll try not to let these thoughts surmount, you as my witness. We'll be there for each other, even if distant.
Sleep well tonight and please find the will to overcome. The days will feel lighter, surely, with time and with patience.
Be well and take care of yourself. It's all that I ask.
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