A Brief History

Why do you think you are who you are today? What shifted in your path from childhood to now that formed the person you face in the mirror? Is there dissatisfaction? Regret?

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It’s so easy to get caught up in the way things used to be or how they could’ve been. The mind enjoys bringing itself back to times that were uncomfortable and painful, a method of self-punishment for not being better, for not being able to stop unstoppable things. Some of us grew up in broken homes, others with financial instability, and many with parents that would be better off apart. The thing tying them together is the inner turmoil and trauma accumulated along the way. Resulting from this are coping mechanisms, mostly stunting ones, which were once useful tools to help protect a vulnerable child, but are now showing up in present relationships and careers negatively.

As children exposed to trauma grow up, their coping mechanisms quickly become a vital part of their character. This makes it nearly impossible to uncover the true thoughts and feelings of that individual. This is simply due to the fact that impulsive reactions to triggering events feel comfortable and familiar. This is the way that they have been taught is appropriate to react within certain situations. Maybe when being yelled at, your first reaction is to yell back. Maybe it’s to apologize. Maybe it’s to put up no fight and punish your actions later.

Your defenses have burned so deep inside of you, you no longer know how to separate yourself from them. You feel them surface when being asked to express your honest opinion, when you lose control over a situation you always thought you were above. All the little things that make your blood boil and anger bubble up to the surface even though you know they don’t matter.

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I grew up with divorced parents, one of which was more present with his girlfriends’ kids, and the other bitter to the situation that had befallen her. I felt a great sense of impermanence growing up within this. One day to the next, I didn’t know what kind of mood my father would be in, and what that meant for me. I didn’t know whether or not my mom would beat cancer, something that my sister nor I could barely comprehend.

Living with my mom and grandparents during the week, and my father Tuesday nights and every other weekend, I was always ready to pick up what I had just settled into and pack my suitcase. Getting into a steady routine felt impossible and I cried every time before leaving for my father's.

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Fast-forward to a couple years ago, I felt extremely anxious going into new situations. I would have panic attacks, shaky hands, and an extremely self-conscious mind even walking into the school I had attended for years. No matter what breathing exercises, mantras, or hand fidgeting I did, nothing could soothe the ever-present anxiety. At this point, I hadn’t truly processed anything that had happened to me. I knew what my childhood looked like, but couldn’t stop searching for the answer to one question: Why?

Why did my father blame my sister and I for simple things that went wrong? Why did he yell instead of speaking calmly and explaining how mistakes frustrated him? Why did we deserve this treatment?

All that this led me to was an endless spiral of depression and anxiety. I was stuck in one place and couldn’t pry myself away from it. It became almost addicting to stay exactly where I was. Using my situation as an explanation and excuse as to why I wasn’t pursuing any interests in my spare time.

From this I learned an important lesson:

Sadness is the most dangerous comfort.

Sadness enables you to mope in misery and procrastinate progress in reality. Spending so much time caught up in your mind prevents you from taking action in real time. You truly start to believe what your brain is telling you - what you were told in your childhood: You have a voice but it makes no difference, so why try.

It feels like a waste of energy and leaves you feeling drained rather than relieved. Because of this, you would rather forgo it altogether. But it’s always there, always nagging. Soon, you become suffocated. As if a heavy blanket has been thrown atop your body and you can’t move out from underneath it. You become a master of fake smiles and small talk. A positive presence to those who don’t care to see past the carefully crafted facade.

A dangerous combination is being so empathetic towards others that you let them walk all over you. They take what they can get and leave you feeling bereft and guilty. Guilty for not standing up for yourself and conforming to their wishes on a whim.

Making yourself small like this is due to a presence in your life that made you feel unworthy of their attention. That anything you could possibly do would never live up to their expectations. And so, you sit in the uncomfortability of never investing time into your interests. In fact, you don’t even know what they are, or who you are. There’s been so much time lost in hiding beneath your mask that you have become it. In doing so, you have lost the thread to your joy, your passion.

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My father has gone through more than a dozen women since my mother and himself divorced. Each relationship was the same: take her to the beach, make her blueberry cheesecake, act like the best boyfriend in the world- and then everything shifts as he finally drops his nice guy act. It would always start with him complaining about the little things she does, which are totally normal, such as the way she cleans or the way she raises her kids. Then it would quickly morph into her doing something that he is apparently morally against and breaks up with her.

Facing the reality of these situations, he never let them see who he truly was until he had convinced them he was someone else entirely. They only knew what he showed them. Once they became comfortable with this version of him, he would slowly morph into his true self. This is where things started to fall apart.

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My father is quick to anger, even quicker to raise his voice, and always has to be in control. Talking about feelings is something he is incapable of, since he has never processed triggering events that have happened to him. He is so deeply unhappy in his life because he is confused with all of the bottled up emotion he has never properly dug up. He keeps pushing it farther down and away, convincing himself that everyone else is the problem. What these kinds of people don’t realize is that this never works. Not permanently at least.

People will misdirect these feelings onto the easiest target. As a child, you are just starting your journey in the world and expect to be led on the right path by your parental figures. When they displace their unprocessed trauma onto you, you will take that right in and gain your own.

What I want you to hear and understand, is that the person who made you feel insignificant was extremely dissatisfied within their own life and was misdirecting their anger and confusion. No, you are not a horrible person. No, you are not undeserving of love. These are all things that this person felt and dumped onto you. Children are so impressionable, so of course you picked up these things and internalized them. They took over your core and tried to dull your happiness.

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Oftentimes, it can be hard to progress with careers and relationships due to the feeling of impermanence. You overthink so greatly that you do not dare to ever try to take real steps towards figuring out what would actually be beneficial towards your well-being.

I think that sometimes this allows me to stay exactly where I am and not find the courage to move on from jobs and people. I stick with things to the point where they cause me pain, and I stay even longer after that. After spending so much time and energy on something, you feel as if you owe it to them and yourself to stay the course long after it becomes toxic.

This stems from being in situations in my childhood over which I had no ability to leave.

I was legally obligated to visit my dad for the court ordered time he was allotted and my own wishes were never once taken into consideration. In order for the court to change time, there has to be a serious issue such as abuse or neglect. Something like emotional well-being does not factor into their decision making. To them, it is not a pressing concern.

Since I had no power over my living arrangements and relationships then, it often feels wrong for me to give up on struggling relationships. After being forced to try week after week to build a connection with someone I dislike, this habit embedded itself into my nature.

I became a fixer.

I cannot let go of people because I’m hooked on the hope that maybe this time will be different, maybe this time they’ve changed. This relentless dedication is admirable, however misplaced when dealing with broken things. There has to be a point where I can be honest with myself that it’s just not working, and learn to start letting go.

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Instead of cutting loose and moving on, I find myself starting to idealize the friendships I form; only ever seeing people for their potential and not what they are actively expressing.

It’s easy to look past fundamental flaws and see that they’re struggling to do good, just like me. Ignoring signs such as forgetting important events in my life and not setting aside time to spend together compiles and morphs into foundational errors in my relationships. Finding myself unsure if I should voice my opinions on how I wish to be treated relates to fear of their reaction. Scared that they will react in their true nature, exposing my fantasies of the person they never were.

It’s a tough truth to admit to yourself that you have been the one allowing this behaviour. I don’t mean it in the way that you were hoping for them to treat you badly, but that you didn’t set up boundaries in order to protect yourself from giving too much to them. For instance, you gave up your hobbies in favour of theirs, changed the way you dressed to fit into their category, started hanging out in places you never once imagined you’d be. Inherently, trying new things such as these isn’t a bad thing. What makes it bad is that you weren’t doing it for yourself, you gave up the essence of yourself to become a version of yourself that’s more agreeable to them.

The funny thing is, they never asked you to do this. You allowed your deepest insecurities to seep out and poison a relationship that could have been built in candor. You overthought and fixated on becoming your version of their most desirable friend.

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There’s something so daunting about structure. Maybe it’s the finality of it that makes me hesitant. The fear of allowing myself to be comfortable where I am, that this is where I could find happiness. I don’t think I’m scared to be happy, but I do think I’m scared of the work it’s going to take to get me there. There’s going to be a lot of failure, a lot of pain, and a lot of commitment. Losing control, giving into the process, waiting to see what will come out of it, good or bad.

I’ve never stuck through anything long enough or even put myself in the position to experience this. Sure, I’ve stuck around at shitty jobs and shittier friendships, but none of them felt like they were leading towards the future. I was just stagnating. I’ve never made a move to lead my life in a new direction. Never pursued passions beyond weekend projects before I became discouraged and turned to technology for entertainment.

I choose to numb my mind rather than feed it.

I despise this fact. I reject it.

I do not want this kind of life. The one where I willingly stay miserable where I am, but never try to help pull myself out of it.

However tedious, thinking about these things starts the process. You realize how much you hate where you are and that you aren’t being fulfilled meaningfully. Turning to Youtube and Netflix to cope with boredom only further shuts my mind off and that’s what I’ve been craving. To feel nothing. To not have to think about real things and make life-changing decisions.

After sitting with myself and coming to terms with my discomfort, I now know that I have to do something about it. Nobody is going to swoop in with all the answers and tell me what my life path is. It’s up to me to discover new experiences and try and fuck up and have fun. It’s the only way to find the purpose and passion that I’ve always wanted to find.

If I’ve never put myself out there, how are these things going to find me?