A Thursday Night

I've been working non-stop and not having much time to think. Mostly letting the days pass me by, just following routine. There isn't a lot of stress on me anymore since I moved out of my apartment. I still have to make payments, but it's significantly less. I've been going through the motions except it feels different this time. It feels like things are finally calming down and I'm able to re-centre myself a bit. I've been a bit mellow lately, but not in a bad way.

I've taken a lot of time to just exist. Commit myself to working, trying my best to make food and eating out less, stop buying ciggies and vapes because I know I need to quit. It feels weird to be still after a long period of things going wrong and deadlines to make. It feels like I'm living life on easy-mode or something, like I'm cheating. I guess it's because I'm not used to things being settled. To my life not being a complete chaotic mess and balancing relationships that are falling off the hinges. I'll tell you, it's a nice break.

I can't help but rack my brain and figure out how to bring happiness back into my life. Now that I've rested and recalibrated for a bit, it's time for me to make steps towards something different. I need to find a new job, hopefully one that doesn't make me want to rip out my hair from the roots. I need to re-assess my post-secondary school options, to see what will actually bring me joy. I need to explore more facets of my being, spend more time in nature, and less time worrying about things I can't control.

I also think I feel so stable because I've been consistently taking my depression/anxiety medication. I know it's obvious, but it makes such a huge difference when I take them routinely. Either out of my forgetfulness or neglect of my own well-being, I sometimes skip doses. I feel like it's a form of self-sabotage when I don't, reminding myself when things start feeling lighter that it's all an illusion. But this isn't a healthy way to think. Just because I'm doing well doesn't mean I need to bring that negativity back into my life. It means that I need to continue where I'm going and reach above myself, not below.

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I hope it's a rain day tomorrow at work, it's one of the perks of working outdoors. Whenever we get heavy rain I don't have to go in. It would be nice to get some things done around the house. Finish unpacking all of my boxes in the basement, do a deep clean of the house I've been meaning to get to, finally take all of my bedding out of the dryer that has been left there for almost a week. Little things that will help me get to where I want to be. Clear up some of the room in my mind so I can start feeling creative again.

I don't know what it is about moving, but every time I do, I can't seem to connect with myself creatively for months on end. When I moved into my apartment, it took me about three months to unpack all of my sewing, yarn, and craft supplies so that I could use them. It's like I completely forgot about that part of myself in the shuffle of moving homes. I guess that's normal though. When your life gets uprooted, all of the normalities go along with it. I often think about picking up my crochet hook or dusting off my sewing machine, but the urge just hasn't arisen. It would feel like I'm forcing myself to do it, and nothing fulfilling ever comes from that. I think I just need to get to a place where I can inspire myself again. Get used to this new version of me and what my life looks like, then go from there. Acquaint myself with the change of scenery and a different person to live with.

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A part of me is definitely waiting for shit to hit the fan. I still haven't talked to my sister, besides her messaging me about payments due for the last month I was living with her. It stings a bit, but all in all I can't say that I'm emotionally unavailable because of it. Soon after moving out I made peace with the whole situation, but I'm not so sure she has. This doesn't really bother me. I don't know when I found the strength to overcome it, but I'm certainly glad I did. It's allowed me to move on from everything and keep a cool head. I reached out to her tonight, asking her to send me pictures of her cats because I miss them. She hasn't answered yet but I'm hoping she'll see this message as me rising above what happened between us.

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I started reading again. The book This Is How You Heal by Brianna Wiest. I love it so much. I stopped reading it a couple of months ago because I was already going through so much mentally. I was in the thick of sorting through some pretty big traumas and wasn't ready to uncover more while reading this book.

I'm glad I made that decision.

Coming back to it only proved to me that I was right to take a break. Some of the topics in the following chapters could only have resonated if I waited for a period of time before reading them. It never fails to open up parts of myself I never knew existed, or had been too blind to truly see. It feels like a safe space where I can be completely honest with myself.

When I finally finish it I know that it will feel bittersweet. The writing style is so immaculate that I find myself lost. I guess it's a good thing the author has many books for me to dive into. It will provide another facet of myself to dive into and get to know intimately.

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I've let my room become a mess again. I need to be better for myself. It makes me anxious when there's clothes on the floor and dirty dishes scattered about. It seems such an arduous task at times to make that trip downstairs to the sink or to fold my freshly washed laundry. I need to view it as self-care. A way that I can make sure my mental state doesn't deteriorate, to keep up with things instead of letting them spiral. I hope that building this habit will do the same thing for me mentally. Provide a good example of how to go about things: don't let them pile up, deal with them as they come. If you look close enough, there are lessons everywhere, you just have to open your eyes to their reality.

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Just some rambles for tonight, I hope you don't mind. I'm still sorting out where my head's at so I thought I'd let some thoughts spill out onto the page.

Be well and take care of yourself.

You deserve nothing less.