Oh, How the Days Pass Me By

I feel at odds with myself. I'm yearning for closeness but can't find it. I try to distract my mind, but I bounce between tasks, not sticking with one long enough to get settled. And when I do, there's this feeling in the back of my mind that there's something more fulfilling that I could be doing. But what is it?

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Whenever I read romance novels it feels like a happy punishment. I enjoy reading them for the fluff, among other things, savouring those shared moments and longing glances. It makes me feel like it's something I could have for myself, a way to envision things.

Waking up next to my partner, warm in their embrace. As they start to stir, they pull me closer and kiss my shoulder. A lazy morning filled with love and banter.

I imagine taking an easy day with them. Curled up on the couch in a patch of cozy sunlight. Having a deep conversation about how we view ourselves and the world around us.

I picture going for a hike together near the cabin we're staying, making our way to a kayak rental shop and paddling on the water for hours. Coming back near dusk and making a fire. Beers and warm food shared between us, peaceful and content silence as we gaze up at the stars.

But at a certain point of reading these books, my thoughts tend to take a downward spiral. Maybe the plot has changed in the book and things aren't happy anymore. There's conflict and miscommunication between the protagonists and past traumas resurface. These trigger me to a darker state of mind, even when things start to look up again for the characters. Because while they kiss and make-up, I'm still here, alone. I don't have anyone to share peaceful moments with. I don't have anyone to care about or talk to or argue with.

I don't have someone to show me how to be loved.

Then I start thinking that maybe it's because I don't deserve it. That I don't put myself out there or partake in activities that would make someone want to spend time with me.

I'm a bit of a recluse. I don't go out spontaneously to a bar by myself. I don't make the effort to forge new connections with strangers. I feel that I'm too lack-lustre for anyone to truly notice, to want to get to know me. And there's also the issue of my social skills being sorely out of use. It's been too long since I've hung out with anyone casually. I feel like I'm back in the early days of me coming out of my shell, analyzing everything I say and hoping I don't come off as forced or awkward. It makes me rely on people-pleasing more than ever. I like to think I've grown out of it, but old habits die hard. And when I don't know what to say or how to act, it's often what I rely upon.

I know that it will easily get better the more that I interact with people. When the time comes where I have friends again in my life, I will be enlivened to the way I used to be, likely even better. But right now, I've discouraged myself from thinking people want to be around me. It's definitely my anxiety talking, but it genuinely makes me feel that I will never be good enough, that I will always be competing with the possible better version of myself. I think that I will bore people, be too mundane for their tastes, have too much personal trauma to sort through. I think that I'm not worth the struggle.

I've been running away from my feelings all day.

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And now it's tomorrow.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling. Forlorn, lonely, depressed. I can't seem to shake my unhappiness and lack of motivation. I haven't been feeling my feelings for two or three weeks now. Just living in between work, scrolling on my phone, occasional creativity, and boredom. I try not to get caught up in the cycle of repressing my thoughts, but it's what comes easy to me. I'll be going along fine, then all of a sudden, feelings of dissatisfaction roll over me in waves. And I can never seem to figure out exactly what's wrong with me. I search through my mind, trying to discern what's causing all this inner turmoil, which usually leads me back to hopelessness. I know that I want more for myself, but don't know where to start. Everything I've tried has led me back to the same places, discouraged and defeated.

If only the answers would present themselves to me, if only it were that simple. I sometimes really wish it were. To not have to go through the mental gymnastics of trying to figure out what's bothering me now. To be in tune with my emotions at all times and knowing how to help myself. I suppose that comes with time and practice, but at this point, I think I've had enough. And yet, I'm not quite there. Not quite at the point of self-realization where I can make strides to be better. I'm in the uncomfortable middle ground where nothing feels right and everything is too much or too little.

I want to scream and cry and punch the wall. Lash out and make a bad decision, be reckless, hurt myself in any way I can, just to feel something.

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And now it's three days later. I still can't quite describe my emotions. Stuck, yearning, escapism. I'm just looking for a way out, no matter how temporary it may be. I keep coming back to those quick fixes and band-aids to my situation. No matter how hard I try to make concrete foundations for myself, I can't help but wane away from them. I don't know what it is because I truly feel better when I have this solidarity within myself. To build a routine that I can stick to and feel comfortable doing, having a back-up plan in place for my not so great days. Eating well and drinking enough water, doing well to move my body at least a little bit throughout the day and once I get home from work. But it all seems for nought because I can't be consistent. Either a shift in moods will bring me back down, something happens at work to discourage me, or my personal life gets in the way of feeling happiness and fulfillment.

I recently learned that there's seven different types of rest, and each is necessary to function properly. This is, without a doubt, something that has been severely lacking in my day to day life. When I get home from work, all I want to do is chill out on my bed, watch some Youtube, and eat good food. But once that plate's finished and the video I'm watching slowly bores me, I feel the urge to look elsewhere for ways to replenish my body. I've learned that of these seven types of sleep, the ones I am most lacking are physical rest, social rest, and spiritual rest.

What physical rest means in my routine, is that I need to be more active. Throughout the day, while I do have a physical job, I still feel that I have extra energy I want to exert. I feel the urge to do a quick workout or run on the treadmill, seeking the mental clarity it often brings me. But then I get caught up in the mindset that there is only one way rest can look, which is not moving your body at all. This means that I need to challenge myself to move my body after I've had a short period of 'sitting down' rest, so that I don't become too unwilling to take action once I've gotten comfortable.

The second type of rest I need to catch up on is social rest. As it is currently, I don't have a very social job, only ever interacting with one other person throughout my day. This means that by the end of the day, I feel socially drained due to the lack of interactions, and therefore need to replenish by spending time with others. This is quite a backwards concept for me. I'm naturally introverted but do enjoy spending time around others. I find that in social situations my battery runs low or burns out all together after a few hours. I usually find rest by taking a social break, but due to my job and personal circumstances, I don't have many outlets to acquire this sense of fulfillment. I therefore need to seek it in the form of socialization.

Spiritual rest is possibly the form of rest I am most deficit in. This is the kind of rest that allows you to acknowledge your purpose and gain fulfillment from life. If you've been following this blog, you know that's something I've made a mission to find. Spiritual rest involves meditating, taking up yoga, reconnecting with nature; it's basically a way for you to ground yourself in reality and centre your being. Making this important connection with your inner self helps guide us in finding meaning in our lives. It could open your eyes to bad habits you've been ignoring, people in your life that are toxic, a job that might be stifling your creativity. For me, spiritual rest means taking time to acknowledge the things in my life that make me happy and those that don't. Make space for yourself to sit with these feelings and let them bring to you whatever they find. This could mean meditation, or perhaps reading a book of a topic pertaining to your current life situation. This could mean a walk in nature, or a phone call with a friend talking about what you want for the future. It is a time for you to self-reflect and create a safe space to learn more about what you want out of life. There is no right or wrong way to do it, do what works best for you.

The other types of rest are mental, emotional, sensory, and creative rest. I suggest you look at this article pertaining to the different types of sleep and how to incorporate them all into your life. It seems daunting when I feel I don't get enough actual rest as it is, but I will try my best to follow this and recharge myself so that I feel I can handle the stress of daily life.

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Now it's been four days.

It seems like I'll never end this. But I think I've reached the summit, or at least the very last plateau before it.

Something I have always known about myself is that I'm scared of success. I'm scared of the attention it will bring, the commitment it will require, the calm that will come with it. I am absolutely terrified of being secure in my self-confidence. I think that I do not deserve it, that I am not worthy. And so I mentally berate myself over and over again until these words are ones I believe.

You are not good enough. You will always fail. You are weak.

I have breathed life into these, being surrounded by manipulative narcissists for the majority of my life. There has been no escape from their thoughts on my discretion, of how I should talk, act, or appear.

They have planted ideas in my mind that I will always be less than, that my perfect is merely good enough, that I'm not doing things the right way. I should be wary of others and run away from my truth. I should account for other's feelings and never make those around me uncomfortable with my own. There will never be a time for me to forge my own path and decide what is and is not unacceptable in my life.

These are all fermented lies.

Poured in through my heart chakra and devoured by every part of me. There has been a leak in the system, things coming in that shouldn't be there, and vital parts missing. Now I sort through the dampened, tangled mess, trying to fit all the pieces back together.

Smashing bits together that don't fit.

Finding gaping holes appearing once I'm nearly done.

It's one thing after the next and I don't want to put in the work to make myself whole again. It seems far too troublesome. Except I know that I will not be able to live this way for long. I know myself well enough to know that this life provides nothing for me. There is no passion, there is no love, there is no kindness, there is no respect. It lacks all things peaceful and right.

I'm clawing at my skin from the inside, ready to emerge as the person I've always needed to become. No, the person I've always needed to realize was there the whole time.

I have been blind to who I am, but no longer. This time, I will not turn back. This time, I will stride forward with confidence and self-respect.

I will unveil the truth and hold my ground.

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And so it is.