What do I feel today? Hmm. Let's see. A lot of nothing to be honest. Stifled creatively, unable to connect with myself, but that's old news at this point. I've been reading a new book called The Alchemy of Your Dreams by Athena Laz. It's pretty good so far. I've always been curious to know the deeper roots of my dreams. She explores different dreams and their purposes, how your psyche affects your subconscious while you're asleep and manifests itself in a multitude of symbols. I've been trying to read it every night before bed. A nice routine where I drink hot water and honey, put on my glasses, and de-stress after the day.
Besides this, I've been pretty much living on auto-pilot. Waking up, going to work, coming home, chilling in the living room. Haven't had much excitement these past few weeks. I'm kind of going a bit stir crazy to be honest. Nothing but me, the cats, my sister, and boredom, my ever-loving friend. I haven't crocheted in a minute. I feel like I'm slowly losing passion for it since I'm receiving no interest in it on my online store. I had hoped I would reach a few people with my creations by now, but I guess that's the nature of these things. You have to build it up and keep consistent with it, continue trying even when it seems futile.
It is discouraging though. I constantly check to see how my listings are doing and get disappointed with the minimal interest. I wish I could say that I'm just making these things for myself and to be happy, but that's a flat out lie. I'm doing it as a means to financially support myself, at least this is part of the reason why. I started it because I like crocheting and thought it would be fun to see if other people enjoyed my products. But it's disheartening that it's been almost a month and the only person that's reached out was a scam. Doesn't feel great. My original interest was definitely also motivated by wanting to provide another source of income for myself. If you've been following along with my entries, you know that I'm surviving on meagre funds. Any way that I can make a little bit extra to support myself is an opportunity I can't afford to miss.
So now I'm tying these feelings of distress into something that used to calm me down and bring me some sort of happiness. It doesn't feel like a safe space anymore because I'm viewing it from a different perspective. Anything I make, I think of how I can market it, how it will be perceived, if it's good enough to be sold. I was afraid that I would get like this. Be so consumed by wanting everything to be perfect that nothing is good enough. It takes the joy out of making. I fully let it become like this and I feel slighted by myself. I also can't help but feel like it's probably not worth it to continue. I want to, sure, but how long will I have to wait until I get the results that I want? Like I said before, I know it'll take time but I at least want some sort of validation.
Anyways, I'm sick of this topic. It's freeing to write like this. I usually try to keep to a structure and have a set intention for the general direction I want my posts to go in. This time, today, I'm just feeling like not trying to be perfect. Just let out how it's going, not going. I don't really know why I decided I wanted to write something today. I guess I just haven't in a few days and it feels weird to not get that itch to get something off my chest. But I feel like there's really not. Unless it's deeper beneath the surface, which it likely is. There's just a firm block in my mind right now, I don't have the ability to really dig out my emotions and dissect them as I like. It could partly be because of my last post. It took a lot out of me and I've been kind of ignoring those feelings since I wrote it. Trying to move on from it even though I know I haven't processed what I need to.
Avoidance, oh how I love her. Picking at my hair, readjusting my clothes, walking back and forth between the three rooms of my apartment. What will she do now? Another 15 minute interval of watching some show on Netflix? Maybe she'll get bored and switch it to something else. Or maybe she'll put on fake lashes to feel more confident, brush off the day of physical labour with a nice juxtaposition. Gods, how I love those. Mindlessly hits her vape until she realizes it's dead yet again. Oh no, out of juice, gotta go to the vape store. I won't, not yet. Maybe I'll see how long I can go before I cave to the addiction yet again. More of the same same same. Inescapable only because I let it be so. Fuck.
I'm gonna get baked tonight. Haven't in a while cause I already feel so numb I don't really need more of it but why the hell not. I love being high, everything feels so light, until my brain randomly decides to start overthinking. I hate hybrid. It makes me calm and jittery at the same time and I don't know what to do with myself. Definitely an indica gal. Sativa isn't bad every once in a while but I'd rather chill instead of feeling hyped up. That's like with drinking but the opposite. I like feeling bubbly and social when I drink, but I only feel that way when I'm with other people. If I'm just by myself, I really don't feel the effects of it. Slightly tipsy, sure, but not anywhere near feeling the adrenaline rush through my body. It's only really worth it when you're with a friend or a few.
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I've started realizing that maybe I think about things too much. I don't leave room for things to happen organically before I'm already dissecting the way that I react and the things I say. When I'm alone by myself I'm constantly trying to dig into my psyche and figure out what's blocking me from moving forward. It's definitely a good thing to be trying to get answers for these questions but it also keeps me caught up in a cycle of nothingness. It makes me feel numb to everything that's happening in my life because I feel so helpless. I literally can't remember a time where I was just living in the moment and not looking ahead to my possible future or where I am currently lacking. I don't know how to be present and let go of the things holding me back.
I'm so damn tired. I want things to work out for me but don't know how to go about this. Feeling stuck all the time takes so much energy out of me, I don't think I've quite realized how bad it is until recently.
I want to focus on other things but keep coming back to this. I tire myself and surely others in my life with lack of progress. I'm going to challenge myself to stop coming back to this on here. Who knows if I'll stick with it but for my sake, I hope I do.
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Emotional and sensuous. I think that's how I'd best describe my personality. I've been sitting on that one for a while. I know that my emotions drive 90% of what I do, they can overwhelm and choke me more often than not. I let them run my life and control the decisions I make. It doesn't allow me to think clearly in the moment and I react in a volatile manner. I'm so immersed in my head that I'm not stopping to think decisively and make an unbiased opinion. I run with the first thoughts that pop into my head and react based off of those. I want to be more calm and controlled. I want to be able to listen and respond to what someone is telling me, not all of the responses and imaginings that happen inside my brain.
I said sensuous before because I feel that ties into the way that I show love. I like to make people feel appreciated and thought of with everything I do. I want them to feel immersed in every experience we have, like it's only us two doing our thing and there's no room for judgement or fear. I want to provide a safe, comforting space that allows you to get in touch with the realest version of yourself. I think that's something I also value receiving. When I don't receive that, my high expectations cause resentment and fragility within the relationship. I think that I'm giving too much, caring too much, while the other person isn't showing it in the same way I do. There are other ways of showing love and compassion, and they don't all align with what I personally expect. I have to be okay with that in my relationships.
But this doesn't mean that I should settle. If it's causing frustrations day after day and it's constantly on my mind, something needs to change. I need to step up and voice my needs. If they aren't able to be met, I need to create distance and limit interactions with that individual. There's no two ways about it. If I don't want to sacrifice the happiness that I get out of my relationships, then I'll have to learn to let some go. It's not fair for me to be placing expectations on someone who isn't able to provide what I want. That's on me, not them. They are entitled to their own identity and I should not be trying to change or 'fix' that. Let them be as they are and I'll continue on my way, holding my values close and trying my best to not waver, for the sake of my morals and overall fulfillment.
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I project my insecurities onto other people, also pick up what they're feeling and then that also becomes my reality because I've become so absorbed in their life and struggles. I can't separate my thoughts from theirs, always cross the line because I'm never told no to. I feel so deeply for others that it can become smothering. I need to turn inwards and reflect and grow. Work on the things I thought I've mastered, but am still a novice. I can't be present when I'm still dwelling on the past.
I haven't been able to realize how much the past is truly weighing me down. I get so caught up in my feelings about them and feel like it's the only version of my life to live. I can't move past them because I keep feeding into their narrative and believing that this is the only way I can be. That I'll always be stuck in a loop, unable to escape.
Reading The Power of Letting Go by John Purkiss has helped me come to this realization. He talks a lot about how feeding into negative thoughts bleeds into your reality. They become your story, the one that you tell about yourself, to yourself. Maybe that you're not good enough, that you're unmotivated, that your relationships are doomed to fail. All of these stories are made up by you, based on past experiences in your life. You allow them to dictate the way to react in new circumstances and block you from being whole. From being exactly who you want to be. If you can look at these experiences, the ones filled with trauma that seem to negate progress and jolt you back into memory, and be able to relive them without running from them, it will help you heal.
Most often we run away from our problems. If something triggers us back to a painful memory, we tend to shove those thoughts back down and never truly process them. This allows them to hold immense power over us and prevents us from actually moving on, even when we thought we have. He recommends an exercise called completion. Sounds a bit orgasmic, I know, but hear me out. It's all about sitting with those negative thoughts and emotions and fully immersing yourself in them. Experiencing and reliving those painful moments that have shaped your presence, what you've decided to base your existence upon.
I do this constantly.
I tie up my self-worth into moments that defined my childhood, being told I'm not good enough, I'm too shy, no one will ever want to be in a relationship with such a 'difficult' personality. These things only define you because you let them. You have the power to look inwards and reflect on how you've let them run your life. Put yourself back in that moment, no matter how painful, and sit with those feelings. Let them wash over your body from start to end. Don't analyze or dissect what happened, just feel. The more often you practice this, the less it will hurt. The less visceral the emotions become.
Start small, is what I advise. Some memories seem too large to tackle, and you're valid in feeling that way. Start with the things that you find yourself judging others for. This likely reflects the way that you truly feel about yourself. Figure out the root cause for this judgement, why you find yourself looking down on certain individuals.
For me, a lot of my judgement was aimed towards people who looked like me. Not skinny, not overweight, but somewhere in the middle. I've been insecure about my weight and looks for as long as I can remember. Always comparing my body to people I thought were beautiful at school, jealous that their confidence and great looks came effortlessly. My father never ceased to remind me that I did not fit the standard. Which is troubling all in itself that he felt he could force his standard of beauty onto his child. Never mind that, I tied his feelings into my own, I adopted them and created a whirlwind of self-hate. I wasn't skinny enough, my nose was too big, my skin wasn't clear, my arms weren't toned. Anything and everything I would pick apart and deem less than.
Even now, I find myself sinking back into those tendencies. I try to shake them off and force confidence, but to a certain point, faking it isn't helpful. I have to dig into those feelings and find the root cause, what perpetrated this mindset. Allow it its time to fester in my body, time after time, and eventually it will rot away into nothingness. At least something that doesn't send a pang of anxiety and desperation through my chest.
These points are definitely my main take-aways from the book so far. Some of the things he says I don't entirely agree with, he's very clinical with the way he talks about letting go. That you have to follow a specific guideline in order to get where you want to be. I'm not someone that's good with following strict 'rules' like that. I prefer to flow with my emotions and let them carry me places when I feel them. I don't look at doing things as a way to get to the next step, but rather how it will help me here, right now, in the way that I treat myself and in turn those around me.
He made one point about how when you work on yourself, other relationships in your life will be allowed to prosper. I agree with this. But then he goes on to say that as you grow, you will be able to fully help other people with their self-discoveries and they will also be better for it. While I do value being able to help others, this would lead me back into my tendency of constantly trying to fix people, which doesn't work. Like I said earlier, I always cross that invisible line and push and push people to do better for themselves. This makes them associate me with the pain that they're feeling and trying to overcome. That's part of the reason why one of my closest friendships ended. It wasn't healthy for me to keep intervening and trying to fix something that wasn't mine. I think it's important to truly only focus on yourself during your journey of self-discovery. Everything else needs to be inconsequential, secondary to yourself. It sounds selfish, but that's the goal of growth. You have to put yourself first and put yourself in the position to nourish and feed your soul. There's no other option but to do it for yourself. Otherwise it isn't real. Sure you can lean on others for support, but all of those deep realizations need to be brought out by yourself. You need to sit with them and process their meaning on your own. It has to be like this so you are connected with yourself fully.
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I used to rely on other people to figure out my life for me. Even with the simplest of problems, I would go to a friend and ask their opinion for how to deal with them. Instead of facing it, I turned away from the answers I held within, not trusting or respecting myself enough to give it time and let my problems unfold naturally. This was mostly to side-track the discomfort that comes with conflict and not knowing what to do. I want to be able to value the feelings that bring out these emotions, because it means that I'm on the right path; I will be able to figure this out, just give it time and the answers will come to me. I need to know that I'm perfectly capable of coming to conclusions and changing the direction of my future. Anything outside of me cannot influence the way I want to proceed, it's all background noise. This is a big ask, but I know that future me will be thankful.
That's another thing I feel I'm greatly lacking in my life. Appreciation. Gratitude. I don't recognize how far I've come in my life, in terms of overcoming anxiety, being able to move out of my mom's house, buying my own car. Even the little things like going out to stores by myself, persisting through the anxious thoughts, trying my best to move past them daily. I never would have challenged myself like this, probably even last year. I was so scared of being perceived and judged, due to the strong judgement I harbour for myself. I've been pushing myself to do the small things so I can tackle the big ones. Working my way up the mental ladder to self-confidence to freedom.
Appreciate every little thing that I possibly can, stop focusing on what I lack or wish I had. It's hard when I'm not in the place I want to be, but I have to be positive and act with good intentions. Create a space for new possibilities to spontaneously arise.
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This post is all over the place. I just wanted to write how I usually think. One topic blends into another and I get side-tracked extremely easily. I thought that today I would go with the flow and let the words pour out of me however they wanted to. I want this to help me get out of the confines of my mind, the vast restrictions I place upon my creativity.
It's nice to be able to just get things out, push past the block and just express my most vulnerable emotions. I'm glad that I'm starting to be honest with myself, that I'm not some perfect person who doesn't need to change any traits. I know that I do, have known for a while, but didn't want to put down my guard like that. But now I can rebuild it and make it something useful to me. Construct it out of the things that I value, and leave out those which I don't. I'm at the precipice of self-freedom and ultimate happiness. Continually pushing myself to recognize my faults will help me achieve this.
And so we start another phase.
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