Catching Up

Hey, it's been a few days. I've been taking some time to myself to heal and figure out why my brain won't let me be happy.

There's been a lot going on in my life recently. Depleted finances, unforeseen circumstances, poor mental health: it feels like everything has been coming to a head. With everything combined, it's safe to say I had a mental breakdown and had to take a few days off of work. The slightest of thinking would cause me to succumb to tears and feel the full weight of my depression taking over. Now it's cooled down to a bit of a simmer. I've gone back to work, albeit reluctantly, and I'm starting to feel a bit like my normal self. I think the stress of everything overwhelmed me since everything was happening all at once.

I couldn't get stable footing because one thing after another would fall apart right in front of me. I can't say what's helped me out of this. I think it's mostly just the passing of time that's eased the load. Not to mention the support of my family. In my last post, I discussed that I would have to move out of my apartment since I can't currently support my living here. Despite working a full time job, my rent, utilities, bills, groceries, etc. amount to too much. I had a talk with my mom about it. I told her my situation and she said she'd be more than happy for me to live with her again. Of course I feel guilty about having to rely on her, as well as the matter of my crushed ego, but she rid me of that, explaining that it would be no burden to her. After many tears and a long conversation, we decided that I would live in my apartment for one more month then move in with her.

While I still have my reservations about it, this is the only solution to my problem. Unless I get about two more jobs, there's no way to support myself. Even if I were willing to do this, which I honestly kind of am, there's just not that much work out there right now. And so I must rule this out.

At least this is one thing off of my mind for now. I don't have to worry about paying nearly $1,000 in rent each month, with all the extra expenses on top of it. Living with my mom, I will have to pay only $300 and then all of my regular bills on top of that, which is much more manageable. So this is one less thing off my plate.

Another one of the main stressors that has caused my mental health to nosedive is my cat's health. I had to take him into the vet and they confirmed that he has a UTI as well as blood and crystals. If these crystals were to turn into stones, then it could cause a major blockage in his bladder and possibly lead to death. This scared the ever-loving shit out of me. I broke down at work 10 minutes after I started once I called the vet clinic. It's like the reality hit me that I could lose my beloved cat Oscar and I couldn't stop crying.

You can imagine how frustrated I was that I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I worked it out with my boss and told him that I had to leave immediately to take my cat to the vet. After crying the whole car ride to my house and narrowly avoiding a panic attack, I met my sister and took him there. They drained his bladder and gave him some pain medication as well as some urinary food to help dissolve the crystals. Over time, they will decrease and disappear altogether. I couldn't return to work after this. I was still too torn up and felt utterly useless. On top of a large vet bill, I was scared of losing my cat, who's been with me for over 9 years. He means so much to me and even the thought of him being sick is too much to handle. It's been a couple of days since then and he's finally able to use the litter box. He seems his normal self so the new food is definitely working. Another thing I can tentatively check off my worry list.

While there are others, I think that the last stressor I've had to deal with is that conversation I had with my father a couple of weeks ago. At the time, it felt good that I finally faced him and had a chat. I felt relieved a bit to know that he hadn't changed and was still the same asshole as when I stopped talking to him. It eased my guilt of cutting him off because it proved I had reason. But now, all I feel is numb and empty. I didn't realize the full effect it would have on my mental health to talk to him again. It really put me back in the headspace I resided when I was a child and it was a lot to bear. I'm still reeling from the effects now. I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I've definitely suppressed a lot of the emotions that came up after talking to him. I don't want to face them and re-do all of the work that I feel like I've already done in regards to his trauma. It's not a great feeling.

I guess that I finally have to let myself feel those emotions. My brain likes to trick me into thinking I don't have the power over my own thoughts, even though I clearly do. This has prevented me from processing any of that conversation and it's high time that I did that. I need to read my books on self-growth, journal, spend time in quiet, and just really nurture my inner child. She's gone through a lot and this event definitely upset her. My next steps are seeing this work through and documenting that journey. I think that it will be helpful for me to dissect it in order to really see the inner workings of my mind.

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If you want to stick along for the ride, I would greatly appreciate it. Your support truly means the world to me and I hope that I encourage you to also face your fears.

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Alright, that's all I have for you today. A bit of a short one, but I just wanted to give you a quick update about where my head's at.

Be well and take care of yourself. I'll see you in the next one.