Financial Stress

Money has always been an invisible factor in my life. It runs in the background while I continue living as I please, spending money without care in the moment, then immediately regretting it once I get home. It's not that I don't worry about it because I do, immensely, but when an opportunity to spend money on something that would bring quick reward and satisfaction is presented before me, I rarely turn it down. I forgot to pack a lunch? I'll stop at Tim's on the way to work. I didn't make my morning coffee at home? I'll stop by McDonald's or Starbucks to grab one. Little things like this add up, especially when I do it at least three times a week. Instead of properly planning out grocery trips and meal prepping my days, I choose to make quick purchases that provide what I need, or in most cases, want. It's not just with fast food that I do this.

Whenever I go out shopping, I make a promise that I won't impulse buy anything. I put this thought in my head to guilt-trip in hopes it will prevent me from reckless spending. My resolve is weak however. I see something neat like a gadget or storage item and convince myself that I absolutely have to have it. I form an emotional connection with these inanimate objects and feel like I'm abandoning them by not bringing them home with me. Sounds a bit out there, to be honest. Why am I getting so attached to items I didn't know existed two minutes ago? How can they develop such a strong hold over me within one glimpse?

I think it stems from this once instance in my childhood. My mom and I went into a local card and stationary store. She was looking for a card for a friend or craft supplies, I can't quite remember now. But what I do remember is the fluffy white teddy bear sat atop the highest shelf in one of the aisles. I instantly fell in love. I tugged on her sleeve and told her how bad I wanted it, that I couldn't live without it. She took it down and saw the price.

I could tell by the look on her face that she couldn't afford to buy it for me.

At such a young age, I was already aware of our low-income status. I had come to expect that I wouldn't always get the things that I wanted, but I so badly hoped she would make an exception just this once. She set it back down and told me that we couldn't buy it today. She calmly explained that I have other toys at home that I love, that I don't need this one. I started crying, naturally. I was so upset and betrayed that she wouldn't purchase it for me. I didn't quite grasp the concept of buying only necessities and saving money where you can. To make matters worse, there was someone in the store that my mom knew from church (we'll dive into the topic of religion in another post, I have a lot of thoughts on it).

She approached us and said something along the lines of, "You've just seen this bear and now you're making a fuss over not having it. How silly since it's barely been in your line of sight for one minute". She laughed at her own observation. This made me angry. I remember getting red in the face and wanting to stick my tongue out at her. She made me feel like I was being immature, but I was only a kid (going through a bit of a tantrum, admittedly). I was entitled to feeling the way that I did and she came along and invalidated my experience.

I strongly believe that had she not shown up and said what she did, I would have learned my lesson in a more constructive way. My mother would have eventually calmed me down and I would have come around to the idea of enjoying the stuffed animals that I already had. However, I held onto my resentment while also feeling guilty because of the emotions I had over this bear. It turned over and over in my mind, trying to ease the thought of letting go of the attachment I had grown to this bear.

In my present life, I believe that I'm still trying to reconcile this incident. I spend and waste my money to feel that fulfillment of finally getting what I want. Allowing myself to indulge because I deserve it and there's no one around to hold me back.

I often look for outside validation with my purchases. Asking those that I'm with their opinions of my possible purchases to see if they will validate my purchases. My own isn't enough because of the guilt that I still carry after wasting money on inane purchases. If they say I shouldn't purchase it, I buy it to spite them. If they agree with me, then I feel elated and buy the product with much more confidence.

Surface level, this instance seems like a small blip in my life, but has quickly snowballed into something bigger. It's those little moments in your childhood that you realize have led to years of negative self-talk and emotions. It disallows your brain from seeing past the fog put in place of clarity.

This applies to all things, not just finances. It could be insecurity surrounding self-image, which dictates how much you put yourself out in the world. It could be an instance when you were laughed at in class for giving the wrong answer, and you now feel embarrassed to share your opinions with others. Any time that there has been a negative response to the way that you act, the things that you say, the way that you look, it takes root inside of you and grows into future issues you must learn to solve. Traverse the broken receptors that shut you down and make you live by default. When you're just relying on the coping mechanisms that were once purposeful, you are a shell of who you could be. You are not open to new opportunities as you don't see a path to reach them. You shut them out without even a glance, not giving yourself the ability to strive for better.

It's so easy though, isn't it? To remain as you've always been and complain about your life not getting any better. The day comes where you realize this no longer makes you happy, however. You open your eyes to the fact that you aren't living to truly live, you're just merely keeping your head above water. You aren't seeking out happiness, in truth you're actively running away from it, and the possibility of seizing the moment terrifies you.

It's hard to quit this mindset: it becomes addictive. You have to deconstruct it piece by piece in order to gain momentum. Allow yourself to recognize those patterns you encounter and sit with those feelings for a bit. Discover what led you to believing certain labels about yourself, why you keep reinforcing this story. Once you've had time for reflection, it's time to build yourself up from that point. Refrain from diverting to your normal headspace and instill new trains of thought instead. Where you would usually bring yourself down, recite words of encouragement. Where you would usually choose to stay at home, push yourself to make new connections. Where you would usually belittle your talents, reinforce utilizing and strengthening them. It's all about learning to let go of the old beliefs you hold and realizing that they only hold weight because you allow them to.

Create a new story for yourself, one that brings you joy and fills your days with purpose. Start small and watch where they take you. There really isn't much more to it.

In terms of finances, I've found it extremely useful to finally set up a plan for budgeting. I created a document where I can account for income, expenses, bills, savings, and debt. Instead of letting my money come in and out without tracking it, I'm now making time to write everything down and be more mindful about spending. When there isn't an elusive number that constantly changes, you have the power of knowledge: it gives you the upper hand. If you're not aware of the money you have, how can you ever truly save in a way that is meaningful? You can try your best but you will likely keep ending up back where you started. Ignorance is detrimental.

After reading a bit about money in the book Know Yourself, Know Your Money by Rachel Cruze, I learned that I reside in an anxious and unstable classroom. These are both separate classifications of childhood relationships with money. An anxious classroom exists when you grew up in a household that rarely talked about money which shaped your feelings towards it. I now associate money with stress and anxiety due to the fact that finances were most of the time not acknowledged, but I could feel the weight of it daily. Whenever my mom could, she cut corners with spending and rarely ever splurged on big purchases. We would get the lowest priced deals at the grocery store, mainly shopping during discount sales, and most of our clothes came from the thrift store or cheap clothing stores in our local mall. Growing up so frugal has caused me to take an opposite approach in adulthood. I spend my money on items that are non-essential and don't pay attention to how much my expenses are affecting my income.

The other classroom I identify with is the unstable background. Since my mom got child support from my dad, we sometimes would have a little bit of extra money that we could spend. Things would spontaneously get better money-wise and she would often talk about waiting to get this cheque to be able to buy groceries and other essentials. I soon tied the idea of getting a lump sum of money with spending it pretty much all together. This has led to apathy towards finances and does not allow me to get a firm handle of my expenditures.

Cruze has taught me that these classrooms result in heightened attentiveness to your financial situation, so much so that it obstructs daily life. It stays on your mind constantly and feels like it's an ever-present roadblock in your activities. You have to be able to find a healthy balance between the extremes of minimal and over-spending.

She suggested that while you do have to make sacrifices and be a bit stricter with your spending, you have to create a healthy mindset surrounding it. Get a clear goal that will allow you to reconnect with your dreams: this makes saving easier. When you're prioritizing a goal or purpose, this makes saving feel like a form of freedom rather than a restrictive barrier. To be able to successfully achieve your saving goals, you must first create achievable steps. If you're currently struggling, you might have to take on odd jobs or part-time work on top of the full-time job you may already have. Eating out less, buying essentials only when grocery shopping, anything that will allow you to gain momentum towards financial peace of mind.

Not relying on your credit card is another big one. It's all too easy to put bill payments or online purchases onto it with the mindset that you will never have to pay for it. Interest accumulates and creates a larger sum that you have to pay back. Not to mention, maxing out your credit card affects your credit score negatively: trust me, I know. Something that could help this reckless spending is not basing financial decisions off of spur of the moment purchases or based on the ideas of other people. Be intentional with your money and if you see something you like, make a note of it and revisit the idea of purchasing it in a month. If you've found purpose for it in your home and in your life, if it's still something that you have your heart set on, then make a plan to save for buying it. It will surely still be around weeks after you've seen it, you do not need to make rash purchases.

When dealing with the views of other people, ask yourself a few questions: Is this purchase for me or for appearances? Will this purchase truly make me happy? Am I buying this product just to fit in with my peers? These all help you make a better decision and ultimately not buy one-off products that you will likely never use. Cutting these careless expenses and only buying what you currently need will help you reach your goals faster. Whether it be for post-secondary education or your retirement, these tips go across the board.

Some things that I want to try in my own life include collecting any spare change or $5 bills and selling stuff that I no longer use on Marketplace or other online platforms. With both of these things, I will take that money and put it directly into my savings account as every little bit counts. I also have a set amount every week that I tuck away into my savings. It doesn't have to be a huge amount, I'm starting at $5, then every week I will increase it by between $2 and $5, whatever I can manage at the time. This will accumulate over time and steadily increase my savings.

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It's hard when you're starting a rock bottom and things aren't looking up. It's discouraging and I'm constantly plagued by feelings of dread. I'm choosing a place to start that will be easy to maintain and doesn't involve a mass amount of my time. If I take five minutes every day to take stock of my expenses and income, I won't have to take that time all at once to complete it at the end of the month (which is what I used to do and it clearly didn't work).

Ultimately, you have to decide what's the most sustainable for you. Listen to podcasts, read books, get advice from friends, all of it helps you see the direction you need to take. When you need support, don't be afraid to talk to people about it. Keeping quiet about your financial stress only burdens the load and results in shame surrounding money.

Try to be open about these things and the answers will surely find their way to you.