Going Nowhere, Fast

Do you ever feel the incessant need to stop trying and give into effortlessness? Give into laziness and comfort and stop pushing your boundaries? Would it really be so bad to stop living for the sake of purpose and just live freely?

Being plagued by these feelings is a tremendous weight on my shoulders. I know that without following a clear goal everything becomes muddled. But I also believe that sometimes you have to stop chasing things in order to attract. It's a fine line between knowing when to put in the effort and when to sit back and be open to receive.

The thing is I don't know where this line lies. I don't know how much work I have to put in before I can reach the point where I don't feel remorse at my lack of trying. It could just be my internal voice telling me it's tired and doesn't want to change, even though it's a fact that I wish to move forward and seek new opportunities.

It's hard for me to keep a clear vision, especially when being faced with very real hardships.

Ever since I moved into my own apartment, shared with my sister, I have been struggling financially. Despite maintaining a full-time job, it is not enough to support me. I've been trying to cut back and be purposeful with my spending, but unexpected circumstances keep arising.

A couple weeks ago I had to take my car in to get my knock sensor replaced. It cost close to $400 in total including the initial trouble-shooting scan, the part, and the labour to install it. Originally I had planned to be spending a maximum of $200 for a general tune-up. I had already replaced spark plugs, air filters, and did an oil change to save me some money, so this additional cost threw my plans up in the air. To top things off, my car didn't get a tune up since all that was left was replacing the 02 sensors. Since I had already spent way beyond my budget, I told them I would take care of it myself, which is still going to cost me a decent amount to do on my own.

This has set me back a lot. On top of my almost maxed out credit card, filled with bill payments and unnecessary online purchases, I can't seem to break even. I hate that there's so much money owing on my credit card. I have always made sure to pay the full amount so that I would never be in this situation. But things have spiralled out of control with my lack of diligence in regards to spending. Now on top of my full-time job, I do cleaning on the weekends to get some extra money. I only do two houses which does not provide sufficient earnings to boost me beyond broke.

I know that I have already discussed my financial instability with you, but I want to get into more detail. This is something extremely prominent in my life and consumes nearly every waking thought. I just need to let some of this out so that I can seek my answers.

It is now a fact that I will have to get a part-time job to support myself. It is no longer an option to ignore this need. While I don't want to spend my free time working, this is something that I will have to give up. At least for the time being, until I'm on stable footing, I need to work hard to keep my head above water. Sacrifice is needed in dire times, I cannot refuse this.

Working more will be arduous since I'm already feeling burnt out from my normal work-week and find it hard to connect with myself. If you've read my other posts I may sound like a broken record, which I am, even to myself. I grow more sick of it each day. This is why I need to take action. I have to apply myself for the next however long to get me through to better times.

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I'm feeling reluctance and hopelessness towards this, a dangerous combination in my opinion. The only way to fix my hopelessness is to fend off my reluctance so that I can move forward. But since I am disinclined to help myself, I just go around in circles of self-pity. Thinking that this isn't fair even though I have very much done it to myself. I need to take responsibility for my situation and do something to fix it. Sitting around complaining and feeling sorry for myself isn't helpful.

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This brings me back to my want for a reprieve from reality. I so badly wish for things to fall into place without me so much as lifting a finger. But this is a deluded fantasy, one which will never come true. I cannot procure success from nothing and I cannot allow myself to rot in a state of limbo.

But what will motivate me to take these steps? Even while facing my troublesome financial status, have I really been trying that best that I can? This is something that I can easily answer; no, I have not. I have been making excuses for inane purchases and enabling my addictions. Even things that I enjoy doing, I can’t afford them even if they help my mental clarity. I have to go through some sort of discomfort in order to achieve what I need to. No pain no gain, right?

In this case, I don't need motivation, I need to just do it. There have been many times in my life when I don't allow myself time to protest and just set my mind to the task at hand. It makes things go by quicker because I'm not giving myself the time for hesitation.

Sometimes it can be harmful if I allot myself time to sit and think, because I will ultimately procrastinate until the very final second.

A mentality like this can no longer be supported.

I am now required to jump head first into my tasks so there is no room for hesitancy. It will not be amazing for my mental health, so I will need to plan for ways to de-stress and unwind my tension. Make a decision first, then deal with the consequences as they come. I want to push myself to dive straight in without looking back.

I don't often do this because I value my comfort above all else. It's something that I'm used to doing so of course it's natural for me to fall back into. But it all comes down to the tenacity of my willpower, if I am willing to give things up to progress from the stage in which I currently reside. Start applying to jobs, talk to friends and family to see if I can help them out with odd projects. Put myself out there for the chance to receive what I am seeking.

This is a time where I can see that I have to put in effort to attract my goal. I am not able to stay where I am and receive what I need without some exertion. While my soul yearns for everything to fall into place on its own, it will need a lot of encouragement. This is my life and I have to take charge. No one is going to tell me what I have to do or not do; I have to discern it for myself. This is a very important lesson I have learned going into adulthood. You're free to do absolutely whatever you want, but if you fuck up, you also have to get yourself out of it. Everyone is focused on their own life and their own accomplishments. They rarely have time to do your work for you, and they shouldn't have to. You are responsible for your own actions. It is quite jarring; no one else is to blame when things come crumbling down around you, the onus is entirely on you.

For now, I leave you with this:

Don't put things off until it's too late. Do the damn thing and you'll be better off for it. So many inconveniences can be prevented if you do the work long before you need to. Easier said than done, I'm a great reminder of that, but I have faith that you can make sacrifices just as I will have to. We will get through this and be stronger because of it. Hold your purpose in mind and be firm in your beliefs. Being true to oneself is, after all, invaluable.