Guilt Surrounding Productivity

Sometimes you don’t want to think. You want to just lie there and feel at ease. There’s no sense of tasks looming above your head. It’s just empty. It’s just you. Solace. Peace. Quiet.

This quite obviously is not realistically attainable. As people, we have responsibilities such as school, careers, children, and pets. We care for them and therefore feel productive when accomplishing tasks to uplift them. But what happens when the mind is full to the brim and you wish nothing more for them to go away? You can’t very well neglect them because they are important pieces of your life.

You may feel like not being productive would have catastrophic and immediate impacts. That they must cut into your personal time because you ultimately value them over your own well-being.

Being over-productive is not productive at all. In fact it’s counter-productive. There needs to be separation and balance. Pre-set boundaries to keep each area of your life sectioned off respectively. When they begin to bleed into one another, you quickly lose motivation and joy towards what you are aiming to accomplish. It lacks clarity and purpose, and things start to run off the tracks altogether.

So how can you fix this?

What I’ve found works for me is setting things up into boxes. Each box is labelled for different categories in my life; work, personal, social, and hobbies. There’s more than this, but I’d say that these are the main four.

Often people would consider hobbies to be part of your personal time, and sometimes I agree, but I still like to keep them separate. During my personal time I like to turn off my brain and not have to think too hard. I use it to relax and de-stress after a long day, or when I’m struggling with my mental health. Sometimes I’ll feel like crocheting or wood carving or drawing, but other times I just want to sit down and watch a show or youtube or read a book. Maybe just listen to music and do some chores that will declutter my physical and mental space. I find that when I set the intention to immerse myself in my hobbies, I enjoy feeling productive and purposeful with what I’m doing. I put a lot of care into whatever I’m creating and tend to be a bit of a perfectionist.

If I cross that line into full-blown concentration when I should be taking some time for myself, I feel dissatisfied with my work because I can’t give my usual 100% effort into the task at hand. This leaves me frustrated, unmotivated, and you guessed it, unproductive. From there I begin to unravel into restlessness and feel like anything I do will lead me back to the same headspace.

If I watch a show, I’ll feel like I should be making something. If I’m making something and I can’t get it just right I’ll be upset and get angry with my momentary incapability. This spirals into me clinging onto both healthy and unhealthy vices, mostly the latter, that I’ve become dependent on. It’s a ruthless cycle that I’ve been trying hard to break out of. It’s like I scroll through all the possibilities of distractions in my mind that will take me away from my current failure. I pounce on the easiest opportunity, whether it be hanging out with a friend or doing a deep clean of my apartment. Whatever presents itself first is the perfect candidate. But then once I’m out doing it, usually hanging out with a friend, I wish that I were just at home being creative or relaxing by my lonesome. I value my alone time above all else, especially lately, and find that my social battery drains faster with its current disuse.

I only have the energy for meaningful friendships and get extremely frustrated when I can’t seem to find more. I thrive off of genuine connections and find that most people say they want the same but end up bringing toxicity into my routine. I’ve culled a lot of my friendships in the past few months, finally standing up for myself and creating healthy boundaries. Not all of those boundaries were appreciated. And so I had to let go of friendships that I thought would last a lifetime. It’s been tough, I can’t lie. Thinking that I would always have that person to rely on then realizing that they would easily throw me away for other opportunities. These wounds still cut me deeply and I’m trying my hardest to not let it affect the way I build connections in the future. However, it causes persistent frustration.

With work, it’s actually quite similar. I feel so burnt out after a long day of physical labour, that all I can think to do is get home, feed my cats, shower, eat, then sink into the couch. But after I’ve finished eating I start to look around my apartment and make a mental list of all the things I need to do. Take out the trash, clean out the litter box, do the dishes, organize the storage closet. Sometimes this can get me out of my after-work rut, but there are also times when what’s best for me is to take that responsibility away and just rest.

Taking the time to listen to your body is one of the most important things you can do. I’ve started to eat and rehydrate when I’m feeling grumpy and unmotivated. If those feelings stick around after I’ve done that, I need to allow myself some downtime. The most vital thing about this is not letting yourself feel guilty for taking this time. I have to remind myself that all those tasks I need to do will eventually get taken care of, I’m the only one putting this pressure on myself. I can pick away at them and make a list of most important to least important and choose how many I want/need to get done in the current day. This helps keep my mind focused and unfrazzled. When there’s too much placed in front of me at once I get overwhelmed and can’t start even one task. Delegate roles to yourself but don’t stop there. Take your time to rest then set forth and accomplish them. It’s easy to make goals then not proceed to check them off. Think of the benefit that they will bring you.

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Whenever I’m feeling reluctant to start a task, I think to myself, “I’m going to thank past me for this later”. If I get some tasks done now, then in the future, whether that be in a day or a week, I will be grateful that I’ve already done them. This doesn’t apply just to chores around the house, but also for personal and career goals. If you start today and work little by little, you are building a stronger foundation to grow off of. You’re putting in the hours, the dedication, and the commitment. It’s just like an unhealthy habit you form such as smoking. The more you do it, the harder it is to stop. Implementing this with positive routines help you gain solid footing and propels you to persist even when you face hardships. With this, as most things, discipline is prudent. You will have to sacrifice old habits that aren’t contributing in a helpful way. You will have to cull friendships full of toxicity. You will have to branch out and explore new opportunities that will feed your soul and inspire you to constantly learn and evolve.

To do all of these things you must discern your boundaries and not sway outside of them. Doing anything else is a direct disservice to yourself. You hold respect for yourself in order to fulfill your goals. You must take the time to commit yourself to the process.

This is daunting. Believe me, I know. I too am only in the beginning phases and have allowed myself to be set back time and time again. But I am determined. I know that I want to expand to achieve my full potential and know that there’s a world of possibilities before me. I just have to be brave enough to reach for them.

There will be many more failures to come, but also triumphs and discoveries. I am stead-fast in my hope for the future and will continue no matter what I face. I have to remind myself daily that this is for the betterment of myself. This is so that I don’t fall back into my all-consuming depression and crippling anxiety. I don’t want to start back where I was even three months ago. I will not lose this progress that I have fought so hard for.

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Having this run over and over in my mind creates the notion that failure is not an option. There is no going back, only forward. I might make the wrong choices, but I have to trust in myself to find my way along the winding path to peace and happiness.

Whatever your goal is, no matter how big or small it may seem to you, treat it with respect and compassion. Nurture this seed and watch it grow as you build your roots and confidence. One day you will be in full bloom and have a heart filled with so much gratitude. Your journey is just as important as your destination. Try as you will, you can’t skip over these vital steps along the way. You will have to fall and get back up again dozens of times. Hopefully you’ll reach the point where you can laugh off these failures and glean knowledge from them.

What doesn’t absolutely fucking destroy you builds character as I always say. Lessons are everywhere. You just have to dig a little bit deeper to uncover them.