Hopelessness

Feeling hopeless is quite dreadful, isn't it? Feeling unmotivated to do nearly anything that will be to your benefit. Moping around, trying to drum up activities that will ease your stress and discomfort.

It feels a lot like purgatory, from my point of view. The future is clouded and being in the present feels bleak as hell. I'm constantly thinking about all of the things that aren't working in my life and letting these thoughts take me down a steep spiral.

I'm not good enough. I'll never get out of this place. I will never have the security I need.

It seems lately that everything I do lands me back in the same place. I've tried planning out my days, creating a budget to follow, giving myself tasks to accomplish instead of just sitting on the couch.

But this is a mere distraction.

I've been trying hard to tread water and make some progress towards my goals. Picking up more odd jobs, researching colleges, adding more self-help books to my reading list than I'll ever get to in the next year. Even after doing all of these things and being proactive about the future, it really has done nothing to help me right now. It's going to take a long time for these things to add up and amount to something. I know that I'll be in this place for a while longer and it's extremely discouraging. Doing the same things day after day, now with no friends to lean on, I don't know how much more I can take.

My meds often delay the effects of my depressive thoughts. My mind distracts itself with other tasks and coasts over my inner emotions. It's not until days or weeks later that it finally hits me in one big, crushing wave. I realize that I'm unhappy and unfulfilled. That all of the things I've been doing seem pointless when I'm not making distinct progress with anything. Once I reach this point, I tend to wallow for a long period of time. I go about my regular tasks, but it feels as though I'm trudging my feet. It's like I'm trying to run in a pit of molasses, being caught in its stickiness and forever weighed down.

I've tried all of the usual things to help unburden my mind. I've drawn, I've sculpted, I've created mini dioramas, I've cleaned and organized my room, I've cooked, I've watched comfort shows; nothing is working.

Especially with writing, I've noticed just how depressed I've become. I haven't been able to conjure up one thought to share on here until now. I couldn't bring myself to write about anything besides this because I know that I can't institute the usual positivity I try to weave throughout my posts. It would feel disingenuous to me.

I think that the weight of my reality has settled into my bones, into my soul. It has left me feeling desperate and unsettled at all times of the day. It's even started seeping into recent dreams, old memories being brought up and keeping me in a place I care to not remember.

On top of this, I got quite sick this week. I had to take a day off work and cancel my cleaning jobs for the weekend. This made me miss out on a significant sum of money, which will definitely set me back. Just another thing to add stress to my life.

It seems never-ending.

I mentioned earlier that I don't have friends anymore. I really only have one left and a new one forming with an old coworker. My old coworker and I talked a lot at first but now it's barely once a day. I can pretty much count that one out as I don't see myself spending any more time with her. At first, she seemed great, but since we've gotten to know each other more, I'm not sure that her morals and mine align the greatest. I guess I had to find out one way or another. The other friend I have, or had, is one that I've known for many years. I've talked about her on here before. We've come in and out of touch many times, and she never seems to want to be emotionally vulnerable in our relationship. After weeks of reaching out and being shot down, I decided to stop contacting her. I wanted to see if she would text or call or anything on her own, without my prompting. It's been about three to four weeks since we've had a proper conversation. So that's just lovely, isn't it?

There's this song that she reminds me of. It goes a little something like "You don't wanna show love / And I don't wanna go there with you" (Mahalia, What Am I?). I relate to this so much because I've tried and tried to get her to open up to me and we always end up back in the same place. If I push too hard then she puts her walls right back up and ignores me for weeks instead of expressing herself to me. I can't know her limits when she doesn't present them to me.

And if I'm being completely honest with myself, I don't want to go there with her. I don't feel a genuine connection and don't think that she truly understands me, or wants to understand me. Underneath everything, I know she cares a lot and has the best intentions, but surface level, what she shows me, she's a selfish and unfeeling individual. It's hard to contend with. It's hard to stick around when I'm not getting what I know she's capable of providing.

At this point, I'm beyond frustrated.

Last night, out of the blue, she messaged me on Pinterest. Me, being the petty person I am, will likely never open it. But it made me think to myself, so she can message me some stupid post on Pinterest, but she can't muster up the will to send me a text or ask to hang out? Really? Is that how little she values me and our friendship? I think that people are generally clueless sometimes. They don't realize that, oh, maybe that person isn't talking to you because you're being a massive ass-wipe. Ever think of that? Of course not. Self-centred people tend not to care about how their actions affect those in their life, or ignore those feelings because they make them feel bad. It likens them to the reality that maybe they're not the greatest person in friendships, and that maybe they haven't really been trying hard enough to form a connection.

Whenever we'd hang out, she'd go into long speeches about her work and showed little interest in what I had to say. I'd bring something up and she'd never ask questions, or really engage beyond saying 'yah' after I'd finished talking. Sometimes I would ask for her opinion on things since I was coming to her specifically to talk my problems out with someone, and she'd always say. "I don't know, I guess what you said before makes sense." Like, awesome, that really helped me out. I know this sounds a bit harsh of me, but that's what friendships are about. Give and take. Listening and responding. Depending on each other for support. I feel that these are very basic things to expect. So when I don't receive them, I question why I'm putting in any effort when I'm the one doing all the giving. I'm not a bottomless well of encouragement and advice. I want to feel comfortable and safe to vent my emotions and have someone actively listening and providing me insight.

I think I'm done now. I've reached my breaking point with her and I don't see any redemption at this point. I honestly don't feel like I owe her anything because this is fizzling out naturally. We don't need to have a big confrontation or blow-up, we can just naturally drift away from each other with loss of contact. I'm okay with that. There have been too many friendships where we had a big argument that ended everything. I think all of them, actually. I'm sick of the emotional turmoil from them. I know that this one will still hurt, but hopefully in a less explosive way. Letting time soften the blow and slowly disengaging my mind and heart from the relationship.

So now I have no friends. No one to shoot the shit with. No one to go on late night drives to McDonald's with. No one to get dressed up with and go out to a bar with. It's just me in my apartment, with my cat and my sister, passing the time with work and more work, losing the motivation for creativity as the days pass, and facing the gloomy disposition that has settled over my mind like a thick fog. Spectacular. Loving life currently.

Sorry that this is quite pessimistic. I'm just really not feeling like myself at the moment. I just wanted to be transparent with how I'm truly doing. There's no use in lying, to myself or to you. I'm sure that in a few days or weeks I'll be back at it with my expected vigor for writing and life in general, but for now, I'm going to keep low-key. Sit with my feelings for a bit and hope that they soon grow into renewed strength to continue fighting my way through the journey.

Be well and take care of yourself. That's all that I ask.