I Feel Stuck

In my last post, I talked a bit about having a conversation with my father. Well, that conversation happened and it went pretty much exactly how I thought it would. It was a lot of him talking in circles and omitting blame in the situation. I really got everything off my chest, finally saying the things to him I've always wanted to.

And now I feel empty.

At first I felt relief, but now I just feel nothing at all. It feels like I'm dissociating, numbing myself so that I don't process my emotions. I'm trying really hard to pull myself out of it.

This emotional state is also affecting my performance at work. I'm making mistakes that I never have and am overall lacking the motivation to even show up. I took the day off today because I feel so out of it. Yesterday was pretty bad. My boss noticed too. I made up the excuse that I felt nauseous, which in all fairness, I did. But I knew it wasn't the flu or some cold, it's my mental state affecting me physically. If I had known that this would be the result of our conversation, I'm not sure I would have gone through with it. Then again, maybe I would have. I know that it was an important step in my journey of self-growth. To check in with him to see if anything had changed.

All I got from him was gaslighting and fake apologies, saying that my feelings were valid to me, and me only, and that he was sorry I felt the way I did. As far as apologies go, we all know those mean nothing. I tried asking him if he'd ever consider going to therapy. There's been a lot in his life he hasn't processed and it's made him resistant to change. I know it was a bit bold of me to ask, but it's been on my mind for a while. I just needed to know if he would take the proper steps to show up better, for himself and me. To this he said, "I don't need therapy, maybe you need fucking therapy Lauren. I don't need to change, I'm happy in the way that I am".

An eye opening statement that's for sure.

It honestly made me laugh that he would say that to me. Of course I need therapy and it's all because of him. But to deflect it like that and automatically place blame on me, it really showed me all that I need to know. He also said that he can't change the past because what's done is done. I both agree and disagree with that. Of course you can't go back in the past and change your actions, but you do have control over what you do now and if you take full ownership for what's happened. By saying you did the best with what you had and that you wouldn't do anything differently, shows me just how blind he is.

He will not accept that he neglected my sister and I in favour of his many girlfriends. He will not accept that he yelled at us and said cruel, untrue words. He will not accept that he has never been a good father to us.

It should have been telling when he started the conversation with anger in his tone. I asked him where his head was at with everything and he simply said that the last time we spoke I said I never wanted to speak to or hear from him again. And from that he laughed and said "So that's where my head's at". That automatically told me that he is stuck in the past and unwilling to see things for how they truly are. He's holding onto anger and believes that I'm being overdramatic.

I asked him multiple times if he's given thought to the situation and seen if there's something he could have done differently, or would do differently now, moving forward. In essence he said that everybody shows how they care in a different way and does not see fault in his ways. Ultimately, he blames me for not feeling comfortable around him and thinks that I've made it all up in my head. He does not see that he was a terrible, selfish parent who constantly put his needs before mine. As a parent, you have to take responsibility and do best by your children. I told him this, that I was only a child and he should not be blaming me for his mistakes. He pretty much just laughed that off and didn't give me a straight response.

As I talked about in my post about forgiveness, I tried so hard to get the words out. To say that for myself, I forgave him. But I just couldn't. I devolved into a panic attack as I tried to say those words. My body and mind intervening and stopping me from saying something I knew in my heart wasn't true. I had to give the phone to my sister. I could hear him talking shit about me to hear from the other room.

Once I had calmed down a bit, I went to her room to listen to the lies he was spewing. I really couldn't take it anymore so I hung up the phone. It was no longer worth it. Not worth the emotional turmoil I had been put through just to end me back where we started. It did give me clarity, to see that he's still the same person he's always been, but it was almost not worth it. Having my thoughts on him confirmed only made me feel sad and obsolete.

Now I've just been coasting through my days. I could feel myself shut off after we talked and I haven't been able to connect with myself since. I'm back in the state that I often was in as a child. Shielding myself from the truth to spare my emotions, to not have to go through warring feelings and deal with my depression and harmful tendencies. I relapsed again, in regards to cigarettes. I used this instance as an excuse because I knew that they would momentarily make me feel better. Of course that's just the addiction, my brain being hooked to chemicals and needing a fix. But even if it's fake, I'll take it over feeling anything hard and real. Even if I wanted to, which I'm starting to, I don't know how to go about lifting this fog shrouding my head.

I think I might need to take a little break. I've been working so hard at providing consistency but I feel burnt out and like all of my creativity has left me.

It may be a day or a week, but just know I'll be back. I need to figure out what's stopping me from being able to connect with myself. I'll try cleaning, drawing, sewing, crocheting, spending time with my cats, anything to pull me out of this funk.

I'll check back in with you later. I hope that your day is going well for you and you find inspiration to keep fighting your way through the mess of life.

Be well and take care of yourself.