Inner Turmoil

I don't want to be here but I do. I'm trying tirelessly to figure out my purpose but am not gaining enough traction. I wish the answers would just find me, but know it will not happen without my presence. I fear I alone am not enough to stimulate my mind. Being left to my own devices sets me in a deeper state of melancholy and guilt.

It's hard to find the root when I have already begun to dig up so many. If there was a clear end in sight, I do not think I would be struggling so. To know that it isn't all fruitless, that my hardships will all be worth it and things will fall into place. The truth is within myself but I grow weary of searching. I tell myself to hold on a little while longer and the unknowns will reveal themselves to me. But how much longer can I suffer before this comes to pass? I grow sick of waiting, of yearning for the sick emotion in my chest to dissipate. The anticipation crushes my lungs and steals my breath.

Calm is something scarce and unrealistic as of late. Midnight ponderings that no longer reach beneath the surface. I seem to have lost an important piece of myself along the way. All I can do is hold onto that thread of hope squeezing tightly around my throat. Hoping that it does not strangle me in its eagerness.

I think deeply and reflect wistfully. A sullen mood coating my desires and ambitions. To think I had grown past this is a great untruth. Fooling myself does nothing but stunt my focus. Perhaps more patience is required, even though I am so close to breaking. I can feel it in my soul that I am ready to move on, but am being pulled back by a force deep within my memory. More extricating needs to be done so that this burden can be lifted. Nourish my mind, body, and spirit, no matter how painful. Lead myself down the path of discovery.

I never dreamed of seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I felt doomed and discouraged in my mental state. Now I know I have to put in the work to bring this light to fruition. It is not possible without my dedication.

Scared, restless, discontent.

I wish they would leave room for optimism. I am both blessed and cursed with a realistic outlook. It allows me to see the very best and worst paralleled at all times. Having every outcome placed in front of you, how can you know which will come to be? I do not like to take careless gambles. But playing it safe makes me a bystander to my desires. It squanders my ability to believe that I am good enough. Robs me of the very future of which I am destined.

It's hard to be positive when at every turn I am knocked back down.

I will reluctantly continue.

Maybe one day I will prove the voice in my head wrong.