Insecurities Lying Beneath

Do I not want marriage because I'm scared of losing my independence? Because I don't want to put that much trust in another person? Because my whole life has been filled with examples of broken love? Do I truly feel like that's what would make me happiest? To not have to commit to someone on such an extreme and outdated level? Is it an act of rebellion against social norms?

I've always hated the idea of marriage. Tying yourself to someone else, with a band markedly stealing your freedom. I've often thought maybe it's because poly relationships intrigue me, but then again, I'm a jealous person; I like to know that the person I'm with has eyes only for me. It makes me feel validated and comforted, in a warm cocoon of their love.

But then I wonder if this will bore me.

When the excitement of newness cools down and I'm left with a longing for something different, something new. A change to the routine we've settled into. I suppose if you really love a person you will grow with them and explore new interests together. Challenge each other and bring surprises on a whim. Would I not start to look outside of the life we've built and ponder the 'what-ifs' and 'could've-beens'? I guess we'll get there when we get there. But I still do wonder what exactly about marriage vexes me, why I'm so strongly posed against it. Just because there are many failed and struggling relationships in my family can't have such an effect on me.

But then again, maybe it does.

When growing up, you see the reality shown before you. You soak in its teachings and believe it like gospel. Then you get a taste of the other side, get exposed to new dynamics of family and love. See that there is more than one way for things to play out. Maybe I'm just scared that I won't be able to provide such an example of a healthy relationship. Fear that I'm not capable of prevailing through the many hurdles presented along the way.

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I never expect any relationship to last long. I am only ever thinking of its ultimate end, holding my breath until the day comes. When I have these thoughts I try my best to not feed into them. Be present in the moment and savour it. However, I thrive on the morbidity of situations. I like to think that it's destined to fail so I can be set free of my obligations. It takes so much work and effort to constantly give and give to another person. Especially when you're not receiving back what you put into it, it all seems like a waste. What if this person will be the same as the one before? Not willing to show the same commitment as me? It makes me not even want to be held responsible for providing in a relationship. It makes me want to give up from the very beginning, putting in minimal effort and seeing how it flies.

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I'm so used to offering up every part of myself to others. I feed into their life and their story, trying to help in every little place that I can until I am consumed by them. It's hard to differentiate my struggles from theirs. I view them as 'us', an extension of myself. It's yet another thing for me to work on and find answers for.

I'm too involved.

I become absorbed in their life due to my overbearing tendencies. I know that this is because I didn't receive any of this growing up. So in present relationships, I try my best to show up for them in the way I wish someone showed up for me. Providing reason and answers, a steady shoulder to lean on, someone who can lift your spirits just by spending time with them. As pure as my intentions, it's too much. I expect too much from myself and end up a weighted presence in their lives. I've talked about this before, but want to dive more into it.

I've recently discovered that this was my lesson from a past relationship. I kept mulling the details over in my head and couldn't stop thinking about her. How is she? Is she still at the same job? Does she miss me as much as I miss her? Is she happy?

I had an over-extended mourning period after she exited my life. At first I was numb, but I slowly started to thaw. The emotions of hurt, despair, anger, frustration, incomprehension all hit me like a tidal wave. I suppressed it for a few weeks, which only amplified everything that I was feeling. After a while, I calmed down a lot and thought about her a little less, even though it was still almost every day. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't move on and stop obsessing over the situation. It's been about two or three months now, I'm not really sure how much time has passed to be honest. After doing some reading and a lot of inner reflection, I came to this realization: I want to dig into every little detail of everything going on in her life, that I can't seem to take a step back from it all and gain perspective.

I wrap myself up in situations like these and it becomes my entire world. I can't seek clarity because I can't detach. It keeps building and building, creating more internal issues that I'm too close to see. No matter how much I try to talk to people and ask for their unbiased opinion, I can't seek the clarity that I need. So I continue to pour into the relationship and stress and worry and feed into my obsessive thoughts. I spiral further and further until almost everything is ruined.

This isn't to say that there weren't other issues between us, but this was the most eye-opening for me. I didn't realize that me doing this was a bad thing. I just thought I was showing how much I cared. If I could tone it down a bit, while still remaining true to myself and my way of loving another, it could have allowed for greater growth, instead of rapid diminishing.

Moving forward, this makes me scared to see how I will react with new people. I don't know for sure if I won't easily slip back into this mindset and consume myself so deeply. It's important that I don't, both for my mental coherence and the sake of our relationship. I don't want them to think of me and associate their pain and trauma. I'm not just a dumping site for bad memories and a bottomless well of therapization. I too have hurt to share. Not only that but I want room to create happy memories together. Ones unclouded by judgement they may feel when they don't express every thought going through their mind. Ones that come to us as easily as breathing.

I think the overarching problem is that I don't know if I'll ever be healed enough to provide the kind of love I deem deserving. Will I ever be in the position, mentally, to act rationally and gain perspective during difficult times? I think I may have placed a lot of this insecurity onto the topic of marriage. Although I do stand by the fact that marriage is archaic and unnecessary if you truly love someone, the idea behind it merits some sort of recognition. Marriage is about joining your life with another. Creating your own world of possibilities and having someone there to rely on. I think that's beautiful. I don't think that you need validation in the form of a ring or writing on paper. I think that if it's strong and true, just being there for one another proves all that it needs to. Of course, to each their own. This is my personal opinion on it, you don't have to agree. An accumulation of life experiences has led me to this conclusion, but I try to keep an open mind.

I don't know. At this point, it's just not something that I would consider. If I did I would get a prenup, just to be safe. I think it's a good idea for anyone, no matter their financial situation. Balancing finances and a relationship gets tricky, having that sense of security can help a lot. I also don't see myself having kids. Definitely for the same reasons as not being able to provide them with enough emotionally and financially. I've never pictured myself in a maternal role and if the day should come, I can only hope that it's something I've grown into loving.

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This may seem kind of random, talking about kids and marriage. It's just something that gets brought up often in my life, with my sister being in a three year relationship and having serious baby fever. It made me kind of question my thoughts on the whole thing, figuring out why I don't feel the same level of commitment as her. She and I have talked about having kids. That we don't want to make the same mistakes as our parents. I think that it's proof enough that we'll be better, since we're actively talking about trying to be better and providing the best possible life for any possible children in the future.

It's just healthy to be able to talk about things like this. Decide if it's something that you're trying to suppress or actually just don't want for yourself. It's all a part of discovering your core. Fitting together the miss-matched pieces that construct your inner self. Revisiting topics you thought you were firm on and throwing in some questions to weed out the doubt and lingering reparations from trauma. It's worth giving some thought to; every bit gets you closer to your purpose, which is exactly what I'm striving for.

To me, it's a comforting thought that I can change my mind, that I'm not set in one particular way and can break free of it. I want to provoke new trains of thought by asking the hard questions and constantly learning new things about myself.

Give it your patience, and soon all will be revealed.