Intentional Thoughts & Living

It's always a struggle for me to keep on top of writing down either intentions or just daily goals that I want to accomplish. Over the years I have purchased many journals and planners, only to leave them blank time after time. Especially with planners, where I have to keep up with them daily and track all of my tasks, I tend to neglect it and weeks go by with no use. They're all planned out for me, all I have to do is write in it. But I just can't find, or make, the time to actually put them to use. I think that having structure is definitely beneficial for me. It keeps me organized and allows for a space to write down random thoughts that pop into my head throughout the day. For some reason, I can never stick to it. I've tried buying nice pens, stationary, fancy gold paper clips to mark days, but still my planner lies dormant in my room or on my desk.

Forethought. Intention. Discipline.

These are things that I require to keep my life organized. They are also the things that I find I lack the most. I'll tell myself that there isn't enough for me to be writing down, so there isn't a point in even starting. Then I'll decide one day I want to be productive and plan out a bunch of tasks for the upcoming week. This burst of energy lasts at most a couple of days until I completely forget or choose to ignore my thoughtful planning.

One thing that's been good for me is blank notebooks/journals. My brain works better when there's minimal structure and I can write things out in a more flow-friendly way. My thoughts are quite sporadic, jumping from one topic to the next. When there's too many guidelines and topics written out in traditional planners, I get overwhelmed and think I have to fill every single one out. On the flipside, when I purchase undated planners, the possibilities provide too much abundance and I don't even know where to start. It's too much freedom. I need somewhere in between. Low maintenance, minimal topics, a basic calendar with a section for notes and plans for the day. It's surprisingly difficult to find one like this that isn't the most hideous thing in the world. Either that, or they're marked up so much I don't even bother buying it.

I found one today from Homesense that was unusually reasonably priced at only $12.99 or so. It's very basic with a section for the calendar dates then another for the weeks with space to write some notes in it. A simple black on the outside with 2024 printed in gold. I'm hoping that I'll be able to stick with it for longer than two weeks. Fingers crossed I guess. It would be helpful if I took time at the beginning of the week to look at upcoming appointments and my work schedule. Get on top of planning everything so it's all laid out for the week. I also need to set time every day, either in the morning or at night, to reflect on the day and write out a few prevailing thoughts. Whether it's grocery items, buying cat food, making time to see friends, I think it would help to get out some of those spiralling thoughts that leave me lying awake in my bed at one in the morning. Emptying my brain a bit so I can be a bit more restful.

I often forget that this is an essential thing for me to do. When left to its own devices, my mind likes to wind itself up into knots over the most simple things, making me wake suddenly from the beginnings of sleep to frantically write down something I forgot into my reminders on my phone. It disrupts my restfulness and boosts my adrenaline a significant amount. It takes me a half hour or more to settle back down and feel like falling asleep again. It's quite annoying. My sleep schedule is already bad enough, I really don't need more adding onto it.

Trying to find better ways to help my sleep is something I've been looking for for a long time. I've always felt more awake and productive at night, postponing getting into bed for as long as possible. This leaves me feeling groggy and exhausted in the morning. Starting my work day almost as soon as I get up because I wake up to the last of my seventeen alarms. This results in me rushing to do my morning routine, with barely enough time to fill my water bottle, never mind making a lunch for myself. It stunts my day and puts a damper on my mood.

Basic things such as sleep, eating, and drinking water have been at the back of my mind for many years. I haven't valued how much they contribute to living a healthy life, how much they improve my mental health. For so long I have tried to limit the amount that I eat, being ever so conscious of my weight and looks. I would starve myself for weeks then relapse into binge-eating directly after. I loved the way I looked when I wasn't eating properly. It motivated me to continue eating only bits of food here and there and crunching on ice cubes to fill my desire for a real meal. Sometimes at night I would decide that I'd been 'so good' that I deserved to have some food. This would lead me to over-eating to compensate for the lack of nutrition I had been supplying my body. I wouldn't know when to stop. I kept eating and eating, way past the cues my body was giving me that it was beyond full. I had no restraint. Then the next day I would feel guilty and start the cycle all over again. Not eating, eating too much, not eating, eating too much. I didn't know how to balance it while still being able to lose weight.

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Hyper-fixation on my weight has been prevalent since my childhood years. I remember feeling that I was too fat when I was in grade two. It didn't help that my mom made me wear training bras when I was only eight. It made me feel alienated from the rest of the girls in my class. They didn't have to wear bras yet, so why did I? Was I just so fat that I needed it to keep me sucked in and looking presentable? At the age of ten was when I noticed that my stomach was getting much too large. I was sitting in the bathtub and thought to myself that I had to implement a plan to get rid of this excess fat. I would do sit ups, crunches, drink lemon water, not eat, anything to lose it. The obsession only grew stronger over the years.

During high school, I joined the gym and went nearly every day. On top of doing rugby full time after school, it was basically a punishment. I wouldn't fuel my body correctly then force it to undergo extreme physical workouts. I don't know how I lasted as long as I did. I guess it was my willpower that got me through it.

I just wanted to achieve the body that nearly every girl at my school had. I was so jealous that they had legs free of cellulite and rounded hips rather than mine which have dips in them. I bought so many different leggings hoping that they would hide my imperfections. I had my heart set on those expensive ones from Lululemon that cost about a hundred bucks. I thought that since they looked so good on everyone else, maybe I would finally get the desired effect I was looking for. Alas, my family didn't have enough money to buy me these, so I had to settle on ones from Ardene and Old Navy, occasionally ones from the thrift store as well. I was so frustrated that my body looked the way that it did. I was disheartened that after all of my hard work, I still maintained the same weight and shape.

I think I was just so caught up in the trend of conventional beauty that I saw all around me on social media. People rarely show how they truly look or act on such platforms, so I thought that there was only one kind of body and mindset that was acceptable. It's safe to say that this fucked with me a lot. It skewed how I perceived myself and others, viewing anything other than the standard as less than and unacceptable. Once I grew up a bit and was exposed to more kinds of people, spending less time on social media and more time in the real world, I realized just how normal my body was. Those people that I thought I had to look like comprise only a small amount of body types in the world. There's so much variety that it was a bit of a shock. I was shown that I didn't have to be ashamed of the way I looked, this is just who I am. The only person that needs to accept my body is me, the rest will follow.

Finding confidence is key, is what I've discovered. Once you have that, everything else slowly falls into place. I can't say that I'm quite there yet, I still have my days where I fall back into criticism and shame, but I'm certain I'm better than I used to be. That's really all I can ask for. Still when I'm around certain people, I feel the need to hide my body in big sweaters or T-shirts. Shield myself from judgemental eyes and don't allow them the chance to see me. But I'm trying to get better at building myself up rather than tearing myself down. Writing down affirmations has helped tremendously with that. At first it seems ridiculous to say such positive things to yourself that you don't believe. It feels like bullshit, to be blunt. Like I'm just lying to make myself feel better. After a while of giving it a fair try, I can say that it's worthwhile. It's a little reminder that you're living for you and valuing things that nurture your soul. Shoving everyone else's feelings to the side and focusing solely on your own. Affirmations are really all about believing yourself above anyone else. Getting in tune with how you want to interact with your body and mind and strengthening that connection. Anything else is inconsequential, deterring you from finding inner peace and resilience.

Introducing myself to my body again has been an interesting experience. I've gotten so used to hiding it beneath baggy clothing that I, myself, barely knew what it looked like anymore. I was extremely uncomfortable when I finally, truly looked at my body. I was embarrassed and contrite. I shortly spiralled into a deep depression. Exposure really helps however. No matter what you're trying to overcome, if you expose yourself to it enough, you will eventually get used to it. It becomes less frightening day after day. Now I'm comfortable seeing myself in the mirror (most days) and more readily wear yoga pants and a tight shirt out and about. I still have my moments of self-doubt, but I force myself to do these hard things so that one day they come easily.

I've also found that drawing helps me a lot with this. I look at my body in the mirror and draw everything that I see. I look outside of myself when I do this. I imagine I'm the subject to help dissociate a bit and look at myself like it's not me, just the figure that I'm drawing. When I look at it after, I say to myself, "This is natural, this is beauty, this is me". Normalizing my own standards bit by bit. When I'm having really bad days, I take out my trusted paperback journal and let all of those feelings out. I don't try to invalidate them or anything of the sort. I just let them flow out of me and allow myself a moment to feel all of them. Then I try to let them go. They serve no purpose and are not needed. I don't have to keep holding onto them and turning them over in my mind. I allow my insecurity to be fleeting by practicing this.

I'm hoping that planning out simple daily tasks will also help this come easier. Since I'm already writing out the inner workings of my day, why not also divulge how my mental state is? I want to create healthy pathways that I reinforce day in and day out. Rewiring my brain to be more harmonious with the interactions my mind and body have with each other. Although doing this may seem like an indirect way of doing things, it still contributes to my overall well-being. Every little bit counts and I shouldn't discourage myself from trying my best with all of them.

One last thing I'll leave you with is allowing for creative variety. Put your many notebooks to use and mentally label them for different purposes. I have one for inner thoughts, one for planning finances, one for work and goals, the list goes on. I like to have that separation so that it doesn't feel wrong to jump from talking about trauma to what groceries I need to buy. Having them in separate books sets up a good divide for the different facets of my life. It keeps them in their respective boxes so they don't end up bleeding into each other and mingling. Even just labelling different sections in one larger notebook provides the same effect. If you don't have a multitude such as I, just take sticky notes to create tabs that signify different topics for yourself. It minimizes mental clutter and allows for focus to be more pointed. This won't work for everyone, but it's what works for me. Give it a try to see if it adds value to your life, and if it doesn't, you can move forward to the next. I'll leave some of my favourite journal finds on the recommendations page on my site and if any of this resonated with you, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Alright, well that's it for me today. Remember to go easy on yourself, this is a learning curve and nothing will be perfect. Be willing to make mistakes and see where they take you. Beauty is found in failure.