It's Everything I Have - Or Is It?

How do I let this go? It's so hard to fathom. I've grown dreary in its comfort, and yet I am calm here. Here I find peace and reconciliation with my true self. Why would I give up a glimpse into my mind for sanity? It doesn't seem worth it. It fuels my days, brings a summit at night, enrages my blood and bones, vibrating to the harmony of its taunts. It seems fated for me. It will never stop chasing, no matter how much I run.

And so I have stopped running, and it has sunk its filthy claws back into me. But this time, instead of screaming in terror, feeling my tendons break and crack around the intrusion, I turn around and embrace its frightful face. I welcome it back with such joy tears seem to well in my eyes.

I am back, my love

I whisper.

It holds me tight. Brushes my hair past my ear. Sings a haunting lullaby that melts my remaining defenses.

Here you are. Here you stay.

I am yours. You are mine.

Forever.

Weeks later and I am still where I left myself. I view my body from afar, cannot make out the words slipping off my tongue, cannot fathom the eerie smile sat crooked upon my face.

Why am I not begging to escape? Why am I letting myself deteriorate?

I may be watching from another plane, but I can see it clear as day. The flesh rots off my skeletal frame. Bone peeking out beneath this mutilation. I am beginning to decay.

Soon there will be nothing left of me. I am being drained of everything, left to be sedentary and stagnant until the end of this time.

I scream, I cry, I punch the barrier, hardly making a dent in the impenetrable thing. There has to be a way. I know there is. What is it that makes me finally break free? It cannot be momentary, it must be as permanent as a metamorphosis.

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I grow tired of fighting against the tide. There is nothing to aid me in my endeavour. It's just one burning pile after the next. Devastation ripping through my life and stealing my passion, my will.

There is nothing but this.

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This is how I view my depression. It seemingly sneaks up on me when I've neglected processing my emotions and stress. It accumulates into something large and daunting, something I feel I will never escape from.

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Truly, you have to sit with these thoughts. It seems dangerous to let them consume you, but you must let them wash over you like the tide. Meet them where they are, even indulge them a bit, then begin to take steps to help combat them.

Take a look at what's happening in your life. Pinpoint the exact things that are enabling your discomfort and let your mind mull them over. What are the things that are actionable? What can you do to help your situation?

They don't have to be big things, but they can be. Talk to the supports in your life, if you don't have people you trust implicitly, turn inwards and reflect.

If you're not happy in your career, either change what you can about it, whether that be your mindset or your relationship with a toxic co-worker, or figure out a solid back-up plan. Go back to an old job you left that will now provide you the financial and mental security you need. Search for new employment opportunities and branch out from the norm. Perhaps all you need do is change your mindset and let the people around you change as you do.

If none of this works, do not lose hope. Losing it will cost you everything.

As soon as you give into the fear which inspires its loss, you lose your spark of passion. The things around you become dull and lifeless. You no longer see the point in trying when everything seems so unattainable.

There are so many things in this life that will knock you flat on your ass. And it's okay to not be okay. You are allowed to process your emotions as you wish, whether that be alone or with those you love. Take your time to find steady footing. Branch out and open your eyes to the world before you. Take care to nurture your gratitude to the ever-present happenings in your life. Feed those with all the love and compassion that you can muster. Build up your foundation of trust within yourself so that new endeavours are not quite so frightening.

Once you expand your capabilities, expand your mindset to allow newness, you are propelling a force that will soon become unstoppable.

Your will becomes iron-clad, your mind is at the summit of greatness, your body provides all that stability you always needed.

Do not bother with trivial matters. If there is something bothering you, take action. You do this for the benefit of your well-being and anything that results from it reveals the true nature of things.

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There is a balance in this world that you are constantly seeking. As such, it is always seeking you. This fate, this kismet, is destined for you. It holds your best intent and is your strongest ally.

There will come a day you realize this power is within you. You are worthy. You are strong. You are capable.

Nothing will make you back down and cower, those days are behind you.

You are everything you have always wished to become. You are paving your own way in this tumultuous world and loving every minute of it.

You look at your past self with reverence.

That person was the resulting factor to your cataclysmic breakthrough. They taught you the morals that you now hold dear, the ones that you can now appreciate. They have guided you with their many lessons, which you learn and grow from with each day of distance. You are thankful for those terrible, horrible events that happened in your past. You have become resilient and determined in their encouragement. You would not be you without them.

It's time to receive what you are owed, what you have worked so hard to achieve.

You have reached your moment of reckoning.