Maddening

It seems that there's a world of possibilities lying before me. So many options to choose from. I can be anything and do anything, within well reason. So what's stopping me?

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I've been applying to jobs like it's going out of style. Nearly every night I go on Indeed and scour the job boards. Lots of factory work, auto technicians, trades apprenticeships, corporate desk jobs; they all blend into one after a while. Even if I'm not qualified, you bet I've applied to it. They only want people with a forklift certification? Too bad, you're getting an application from yours truly without one. At this point, anything goes. In my current seasonal landscape job, we run through to November. I could stay on for the winter, do snow removal and wither away with an abysmal paycheque. No, that's not an option. I have to be realistic here. I need a job that will support me. Pull me out of debt and be able to start saving properly.

So far, not too many bites. I've had a couple interview offers, but none have followed up yet on a date or time. I honestly kind of hate new beginnings at jobs. Well, I hate it and I love it. I hate it because of the anxiety that sweeps through my body when meeting new people in new situations. It can all become a bit too much. But I also love that anxious thrill. Being able to dive into a whole new set of daily responsibilities and learning how my day will be either interesting or terribly boring. The newness wears off of course. Then I'm left with the doom of the unforeseeable future. Is this my new reality? Am I stuck here now? I don't want it to look bad on my resume if I quit after only a month. Ah appearances. Love the upkeep that comes with them. I want to look loyal, but not unwilling to learn new things. I want to look dedicated, but not burn out within the first two weeks trying too hard to be perfect.

I remain unsure what a perfect work day would look like for me. I try to set the intention to have a positive attitude at work the night before I go in. It keeps me grounded in the present and forces me to be conscious of the thoughts I associate with work. Even if I hate what I'm doing, or have become bored of it, I still at least try to give it my all and show up with a smile. I'm not sure that it's always recognized. I often feel that it really doesn't matter if I show up or not. I'm made to feel that I'm doing the bare minimum, even if I work my ass off. Paired with minimal hours, it's unfulfilling both mentally and financially.

Perhaps the perfect work day would start with me owning my own company. Being responsible for managing duties and creating products. I've always liked the idea of it, the freedom it would bring. I know that it requires immense effort and grit to get a company running off the ground. But I can only think of how rewarding it would be. To set my own purpose and be able to follow it day in and day out. How wonderful it all sounds.

I want to create unique products that inspire passion and creativity. Something useful, yet daring in structure. I would like to be able to incorporate all facets that are special to me. My creativity, my drive, my soon-to-be woodcrafting skills. I want it all to be shown in my work. I want a genuine connection with what I bring forth.

I must start with the basics I suppose. Figure out how I'll make going to college work, balancing work and finances, not letting my depression get the best of me. I need a solid foundation to get me smooth-sailing. Determine my plan of action and seek to execute it. It helps a lot that I'm working towards settling my trauma. It has prevented me from taking necessary steps to take charge of my life. It causes me to cower rather than form concrete motivation.

I need to take this next step. If not now, then when? I will always come up with excuses when faced with difficulties. I find that I've been trying to coerce myself into taking another year off school. I'm justifying it with the fact that I need to save more money before I can go. This is true, as I don't have a lot saved up, but there are ways I can make it work. I'm finding anything to stunt my journey.

In truth, I'm scared to fuck up and make a fool of myself. To be thrust into an environment I'm unfamiliar with, all the while knowing that I paid to be there and can't just quit. It seems like a risk too big to take on. But this is just my anxiety talking. It's trying to keep me in my comfort zone rather than expand it.

As I've learned through a book called The Comfort Zone by Kristen Butler, my comfort zone is something I never need leave, only expand. Through presenting new challenges and allowing myself to experience new opportunities, I grow my base knowledge of the world and open myself to a different way of thinking and living.

This is a different version of the comfort zone I have been taught all my life.

I used to think that there were certain things that were so inherently me, that I could never open myself to another way of conducting myself. It made me put myself in a box, dictating what I am and am not capable of. This has only provided strict limitations. If I allow myself to connect with thoughts and ideas I have never explored, only dreamed of, I will be able to achieve what I want with less chances of burn out.

I tend to confine myself more often than not. I tell myself, in any given situation, that this is where I am and here I must stay. Dedicate myself to this, and only this. Do not push the boundary too greatly or I will fall out of line with whatever else is happening around me. It's like I have blinders on. I become so enraptured with my current narrative and do whatever it takes to compress myself in this space.

My eyes are now seeing: this needs to stop. Pursuit does not end with a new beginning. This is just the next phase in the order of my personal growth.

This post is a bit more straight to the point. It seems nuance escapes me today. It's likely because I'm frustrated with myself for being the main point of contention in regards to moving forward. I'm tired of the internal monologue dragging me back when I want to soar.

Anyways, take care of yourself, alright?

I'll see you in the next one.