Solace

After being on my own for a week, with little distractions beyond work, I've found a new comfort being by myself.

My sister, who I live with, went on vacation for a week with her boyfriend. At the beginning of the week, I didn't know what to do with myself. I had gotten so used to our routine of chatting after work and our normal banter. Sharing house responsibilities and caring for the cats. I was extremely bored with the lack of socialization I have come to expect. I don't have many friends right now, and the ones I do I'm not super close with. They're not people I would choose to spend my downtime with. We're not comfortable like that.

I tried to occupy myself with all the usual things: crocheting, watching Youtube, doing laundry, cooking meals, trying not to die of boredom. I would pace the apartment, not knowing what to do with myself, feeling under-stimulated and antsy. Going on Pinterest then Etsy then this site, trying to drum up some inspiration to motivate my day.

I soon got to the point where it felt like a detox. I could conduct my day how I wished without someone else's comings and goings interfering. I began to slow down a bit and not feel rushed to get things done in accordance with her schedule, cleaning at my own pace and taking showers with the door open. It was really nice. It felt freeing.

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I've never truly been alone like that before. Where I could take the time to figure out how I want to build my days without there being subtle judgement or pestering. My head was filled with only the things that I wanted to accomplish. I didn't have to worry about the ever-changing dynamic between her and her boyfriend, didn't have to listen to someone else's struggles that start sounding monotone to my ears.

She has a tendency to keep herself in exactly the same place. She lists her frustrations to me, of which I've heard all too many times before. I'm there for her and understand where she's coming from, but after a while I just wish that she wouldn't tell me about certain things. We're extremely close, yet I no longer wish to know every single detail about the happenings in her life. I feel guilty saying that, but I need to respect my own boundaries and not take other people's stuff on. I tend to do that a lot. I don't just listen and empathize, but I start thinking of solutions and act like it's me myself in that situation. I become so attached to it that it consumes a large portion of my daily life.

It's draining.

I've expressed this to her before and things calmed down for a while. She told me less about her relationship and my mind was finally able to clear and focus on my own tasks. But slowly, it has started back up again. This time around, I try my best to listen but not entirely put myself in her shoes. I'm there for her and offer advice if she wants it, but I've taken an important step back from the role I used to play for her.

Being so consumed by other people's lives becomes toxic, the importance of which I was re-reminded of this week. I have to learn that if she's not willing to change, I can't do that for her. Try as I might, she is the only one that can enact change and listen to what I'm telling her. If she's open to receiving it, and I wish she were, then she wouldn't end up in similar situations week after week. It may sound like I think my advice to be all-knowing, but to a certain extent, I do know her inside and out. I know what holds her back, what controls her. Her fears and anxieties, her passions and triumphs. I feel that I can help bring this insight to her. However, she's still holding onto the past and is not ready to move forward. I have to respect this and not push the boundary. It would create a toxic environment between us, and things would become tense like they used to be.

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Now that she's come back, I feel a bit forlorn. I was settling into myself and becoming familiar with my habits and routines. I could sit in the living room and watch what I wanted, take up as much space as I wanted, just generally exist freely. I often feel judgement from her, whether it be about my job or my lack of continued schooling. My hobbies and interests, the fact that I like to occasionally drink and smoke weed and ciggies. No matter what I do, I always feel like I'm not good enough for her. Like I'm not living up to her expectations for me, or what she would be doing if she were in my position. It really wears me down because I have nothing but respect for her and what she does. I support her career path and make sure to let her know that she's doing good work. It's not that I say these things only because I want to hear the same in return, as much as that would be nice, but because I want to feel supported by someone I am extremely close to.

It's nice to hear words of encouragement from those you care about, to know that they see how hard you're working and they're proud of you for trying your best. I guess it all boils down to respect. That's all that I ask for, and when I don't receive it, I'm not in the best state of mind. It makes me question relationships and I feel slighted even if the judgement comes in fleeting waves. Its impact is enough to make me doubt myself.

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I've been trying to build up my self-confidence for a while now and this is definitely setting me back. I need to learn to be able to brush it off and continue on my path. Parallel from hers just enough so that anything she may feel, say, or do cannot affect me so deeply. I would try to distance myself, but I can't physically do that. I suppose I can stop relying on her so much for mundane tasks such as a companion while grocery shopping and someone that I tell absolutely everything to. I've already limited the amount that I tell her about my personal thoughts. I don't think that she is entitled to them any longer and wish to keep parts of me protected. This kind of distance will be manageable for me. If I do it slowly and with small parts, it will allow me to pursue what I want and not feel like I owe her more.

I think that this is an important thing for everyone to realize. You are in control of all the relationships in your life, even if you don't feel like you have that power. There comes a point of realization where you see yourself continuing in the same direction and know that things will not change. You have to take a brave step and be able to stand up for yourself. Be able to stick to your own passions and not take on unnecessary worries.

Already I can notice that I don't feel I need to rely on her as much as I used to. I am independent and perfectly capable of figuring things out for myself. Of course it's nice to vent to someone about my day, but I can fill my time with projects that fill my inspiration.

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You slowly realize that there's power in solace. You can think and process and create and live without any restraint. It allows time for reflection and deep contemplation of where you see your life going. You may discover new things about yourself, or perhaps you will learn that completing simple tasks can help fill the void of a Sunday. No matter how big or small, they all point you to where you are meant to be. You fill a collection of all the things unique to you, and have the ability to explore them without abandon. It's uplifting and fulfilling.

It's an essential experience to be on your own. It is intimidating, but you soon grow familiar with the tendencies of loneliness. It's not as desolate as you first may think. There is room to grow comfortable in discomfort, to truly get in touch with the things that drive you to do better, to be better. It is all for you, no one else. Remember this well.

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I deleted this post a short-while after posting it. I felt guilty for the way that I felt, and still feel, towards my sister. However, I'm re-posting it. This post allowed me the space to vent my frustrations and I think it's healthy to indulge emotions like that to be able to process them. So here it is, back again.