Stumbling Across Passion

I've been pouring myself into trying to fix people rather than directing that toward more tangible things. One of them being the fulfillment and purpose I feel when fixing random objects. If there's something in my apartment that's broken, I'll look for the cause. If my car is running sluggish, I'll research and look for a solution. I love doing this. It's so much easier than people. Set instructions you need to follow in order to get the desired result. Sure, things can go wrong, but there's nothing that can't be solved when you put your brain into it and just work things out. It brings such satisfaction and reward to be able to know that you were able to problem-solve, and end up in the right place no less. While sometimes it stumps you, you need only give it time and you'll be heading in the right direction in no time.

I've always loved the idea of tinkering around with objects and having the knowledge to be able to weed out problems. When I was a kid, I always wanted to be involved in the process of fixing things and learning practical skills that would serve me well in the future. My dad used to work in his father's mechanic shop growing up. He learned oil changes and fixing motors and general maintenance of cars. He would have continued working there if his parents didn't decide to kick him out of the house.

On top of being a certified millwright and rookie mechanic, he had a huge red tool box cart in his garage with wrenches, sockets, screws, and everything in between. It was an endless world of possibilities to be explored. When I first laid eyes on it I knew that one day I wanted to have my own, to be able to name all of those random tools and know all of their purposes. To be intelligent in my craft and confident with my capabilities.

It's a shame that he never thought to teach me any of the useful skills he picked up over the years. Instead he opted for placing us in front of the TV while he putzed around on his computer in the kitchen. Or weekends that we'd spend with his girlfriend and kids, left to our own devices to derive entertainment. And while he would constantly harp on us for being lazy and unmotivated, he really didn't do much to provide that enrichment we so desperately needed. Besides the occasional nature walk, trips to see grandma, or camping in the summer, my time spent with him often felt like a waste. There were times when he would promise to show me things and either get frustrated when I wasn't grasping concepts straight away or complete projects while I was at my mom's house.

It was a major let down. I slowly resigned myself to the fact that he didn't trust or respect me enough to pass down his knowledge to me. He wrote me off as incapable and I soon began to think the same about myself. I grew discouraged and my lack of handiness caused me to become extremely discouraged in other aspects of my life. Since I had now given myself a label, that I wasn't good enough to learn even the most basic of skills, other things were now useless to even try.

In high school, I had the option to take either soft tech or hard tech. Soft tech included learning skills such as baking, glass crafting, and life planning, the latter being homemaking for the most part. Hard tech included auto mechanics, wood crafting, and computer technology. I wanted so badly to take hard tech. It reignited the spark that I once had to work with my hands and create carefully crafted pieces. However, I got too anxious when the decision-making time came.

I talked myself down from choosing what I really wanted because I was scared of the judgement that I might receive. It was, naturally, composed mostly of guys because the girls in my grade weren't interested in what hard tech had to offer. I got it in my head that I would be made fun of and be treated by them like my dad treated me: handling me with oven mitts and not allowing me to just at least try for myself. So I chose soft tech. I have regretted it ever since. While the course was extremely elementary, I think that I would've had a great time creating with wood and learning the basics about cars. Soft tech was quite boring to me; I just didn't relate to it whatsoever.

The next year I chose to take auto as one of my courses. I lasted about a week before I decided that I wasn't up to the task and I promptly dropped out of it. Again, with the same anxieties as before: I don't know what I'm doing, I'm scared to be made a fool, what's the point in trying if I know I'm going to fail? Too many times have I let these thoughts rule my life. They stamp down any positivity with their pessimism.

-

I found that after I started my first job, a production and retail position, my passion was slowly coming back to me. I realized that I enjoyed physical labour combined with critical thinking. Mindless work made me numb, so I needed something that would also stimulate my mind. I have always liked the idea of using my body to its full potential and using brute force to accomplish tasks. I went through a bit of a weight-lifting phase, but was stunted by my poor eating habits, which I still struggle with. Despite poor body maintenance, I continued with physically intensive jobs and moved onto landscaping.

Now this is a job I can almost say I love.

It's great to be working outdoors all the time. Especially when living in an apartment, there's not much opportunity to just roam around outside unless you intentionally leave the dense city for country-side trails. I have a balcony that's probably half the size of an average car, length and width. It doesn't allow for me to sit comfortably outside and enjoy the weather. I live close to other buildings and a huge city centre which feels a bit stifling. Additionally, I'm not in the habit of enjoying the sounds of traffic with my morning coffee.

Besides enjoying nature while landscaping, I love being able to see a visible difference when I'm finished with my work. I go into a property that looks like a mess and leave it looking pristine. It's nice to be the cause of such a visible change and to top things off, it's incredibly satisfying. While some days are extremely hot and labour intensive, I like the challenge of persevering and getting the job completed.

I left this job for factory work in the winter. With such unpredictable hours based upon snowfall, I thought I would have more security with scheduled shift work. I wasn't wrong, the pay was great, but it was so monotonous that I only lasted about four months. The management was subpar at best and the work itself grew so repetitive I could almost do it with my eyes closed.

I soon ended up working for a professional house cleaning company, which also had terrible management. The work wasn't terrible and I met some good people there, but ultimately I wasn't feeling any sort of fulfillment. It didn't help that I never got any recognition for my hard work, despite consistently helping my coworkers and getting five star reviews from clients. Nevertheless, I quit and went back to landscaping. That's where I am currently.

-

It definitely felt like a step backward when I started again. I felt like I was progressing in the wrong direction since I'd already been here and left. Being in the same position this year, with the winter coming and unsteady work hours ahead, I will once again resume job search and try to find something that doesn't make me go out of my absolute mind.

The things we have to do to make a living.

It doesn't seem fair but that's just the way of the current world. If you don't have money, you can't do shit, essentially. And in order to get money you have to work your ass off at jobs you can't stand just in order to make rent on time. What a wasteland. I'm personally quite against it.

If I liked what I did, I don't think I would have much resistance towards dedicating 80% of my time towards working. When it's something I care about, workload be damned, I'll do it forever. With passion involved there's really no thinking to be done, I just go ahead and complete tasks with no qualms. It's so much easier when it's also enriching my life, not just the company that I'm working for. I have to get something out of it too, in order to enjoy showing up day after day and persisting through an onslaught of challenges. Once I find this purpose, I'm able to push through any obstacle in my path and commit myself to seeing the work through.

-

It's always been a struggle for me to continue showing up once I can't see a clear goal, in more aspects than just work. With friendships and creative tasks, I often give up right when I need to put in a final push; I give up before the real learning can begin. That's because once I get to the hard parts I tell myself it's not worth it to continue. I let the voice in my head tell me that I'm wasting my time because I'm not going to be as good as I want to be. But of course this won't happen straight away. It takes serious time to be proficient with anything. Learning a new language, cooking, managing employees, it all requires a level of expectation and commitment to patience. You have to struggle before you make it through to the other side: this is just how it is.

Remembering this usually meets my determined ignorance. I choose to turn away from difficulty and convince myself I'd be happier to forgo the things that meet me with resistance. After diving into this before, I can confidently say that it's because I was shut down a lot in my childhood. Discouraged from exploring and figuring hard things out with patience and care.

-

Another thing I'm passionate about is art and creating little tchotchkes. Since I couldn't tackle larger projects due to minimal to no skill, I instead set my focus on jewelry making, crocheting, drawing, moulding with clay, and painting. With the occasional diorama in between, I loved having a blank space before me and filling it to the brim with the ideas floating around in my head. I easily fall into the 'zone' and lose all track of time while creating. Once I catch my flow, there's truly no stopping me.

My mom has always encouraged me to nourish my creativity and follow wherever it leads me. She's extremely talented with painting, drawing, and really anything she sets her mind to. She's completely self-taught, but her techniques are a sight to behold. Having her in my corner allowed me to have this outlet of self-expression, a safe space when I didn't know how to verbalize or process my emotions. I am extremely grateful for this.

There's just this one thing about creative projects, it feels like there's always an inevitable end. One where you have to acquiesce then start on the next one.

With tinkering and repairing, it's a continuous task. It doesn't end with one thing because there could be a problem that arises in the future. It doesn't frustrate me but rather it excites. I like that there's always more to be done. An endless task that doesn't seem arduous. With creative projects it feels like there's a definite stopping point.

When you step back to evaluate, you realize more can't be added because it will become cluttered. You reach a point where it would likely ruin your piece if you continued. But when an object gets worn down, you can find replacements and breathe new life into it. You can continuously add more functions as needed. You can step back and be proud of what you accomplished. There could be some insecurity creeping into that: the thought that art isn't as valid and shouldn't be a proud accomplishment because it's not contributing to something 'real'.

For me, art and creativity exists in its own bracket. It needn't contribute to something that is tangible like a plumbing system or electrical circuit. Of course those are both extremely useful tools, but they contribute to functionality, not happiness, at least not directly. Art in all of its forms provokes thought and excitement. It challenges views that predate our generation and question long-standing beliefs that we accept as fact. Besides that, it provides escapism. Allows the brain to linger in a peaceful state and exorcise our emotions in an extremely healthy outlet. It doesn't get the credit it deserves as an equal contributor to the human experience. Once more, my father's beliefs are being projected onto me. I really need to stop that, don't I?

Getting back to the topic at hand, while I do enjoy one and done projects that art provides me, I yearn for more. Once a project ends I want the ability to add on endlessly. I've been making a lot of crochet pieces lately. Little jewelry bowls and book covers. I like making them because you get into the flow of it and the repetition is soothing. At a certain point, however, I lose interest because it's all one note. Unless it's a complex pattern, which I often don't have the mental capacity for, I can put my brain on the back burner and mellow out. It is peaceful and it helps me calm down, but other times it fills me with an itch to level up the intensity.

I haven't been able to figure out where to level lies, but it's slowly coming together.

I like to feel useful and that what I'm doing matters. I want to contribute to something that improves quality of life as well as bringing joy. The best way I can think to do that is working with my hands. Make junk pieces come together to make something awesome.

I just don't quite know what form this will take. I'm interested in carpentry, mechanics, engineering, construction, plumbing, electrical, basically all of the trades. I think I'm best suited for carpentry, and it's a skill that I can continue to build upon. I want to create things with functionality and beauty, unique pieces that only my brain could conjure up. I want to make something that I can sit back and be proud of, combining skills of carpentry, wood-working, and art into a singular form. I think that's where I'll derive the most joy. On top of this, owning my own business is an endeavour I've often thought about. Being able to control the inner workings of a company and following values of high importance to me and me alone. It would take a lot of work and even more time to get there, but that's my goal one day.

My goal now is to decide if carpentry is something that I'm truly passionate about. If I can see myself sticking with it long enough to become proficient and even skilled. I want to give it a fair shot. I want to dedicate the time required to build my knowledge and surpass a novice ranking. I think that this would bring fulfillment, which is precisely what I'm searching for.

Setting plans and following through. Trusting my intuition. Believing in myself enough to push through the many failures I will encounter. I talk a lot about failure being a good thing, to friends and family. I say that it helps you figure out what you like and what you don't like, that it helps you narrow down your interests to the exact thing that makes you tick. Despite this, I never employ this tactic. I back down from possibilities and do anything to side-step the things that make me unsure and uncomfortable. When faced with a task that I know will require immense focus and dedication, I cower back to the spot I've been hiding all these years: that small part of my brain that reduces me to the powerless child I once was. I shut down before giving myself a chance. While I could look back in the past at all the times I've allowed this to control me, I want to give something new a try. I want to stay in the present and enable myself to uncover my full potential. I know this pain pattern has reduced my ambition in the past, but how will I recover and learn to push past it now? How will I pave new pathways and start on a blank slate?

This is quite easy to answer. I just have to start somewhere, anywhere. Small parts, big parts. Any sort of change to my normal life will take me far away from the place that I've been. Things as simple as finally allotting time to research post-secondary programs, applying to jobs I may not be qualified for but have actual interest in, taking chances when I start to feel that nagging self-doubt creeping in. Begin where I can then the rest will surely follow. If I'm sitting here waiting for change to happen, I will remain motionless.

I need to finally live by the morals that I feel in my soul and allow those to guide my journey. I need to trust that I will find answers along the way and persevere through hardships. I can't blame anyone else for the situation I've put myself in. Of course I can't help the way I was moulded as a child, but I now have the opportunity to break free and live in a way that will make me decidedly happy, not just simmering in resignation.

I won't settle for any less.