The Hold of the Past

I think I can say with definite truth that the past has an immense hold over me. I can't seem to figure out why I'm not able to move beyond friendships and moments that I think define who I am as a person. I always feel like there's something left unsaid or undone. That I could have done something to change the outcome or that I still have that power now. I relive fragmented moments in my mind and question where things began to fall apart. Question the 'could haves' and 'would haves'. Question if everything was my fault.

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There was one friendship I had over a year ago that lasted from high school to a bit beyond. It was a trio, which in my opinion, are doomed from the start. I was closer to one of them because I had known them longer, but eventually found a truer connection with the other.

The one girl, we'll call her Delilah, I had known since grade four. We were never close friends until around grade 7/8 when we shared more classes together. I found that we had the same sense of humour and hung out with the same type of people. I would go to her house and spend many weekends there. I loved her family. I loved seeing the dynamic they had with each other. Their chaos and their wit, the way they could joke around and have such a tight bond. Coming from my home life, I wasn't used to seeing a family that was so close knit. To have a father present in her life was certainly an adjustment to behold.

The other one, we'll call them Jalen, I met in grade 7 and we grew closer in the following year. We both had similar interests in art and music, preferring to keep to ourselves, but enjoying each other's company. It took Jalen and I a bit longer to fully connect. At first their hesitancy to speak their mind made me frustrated, but I ultimately understood. They, like me, were used to placating others and being a bit more meek around confrontation. I would smoke in their garage and connect over music and mundane thoughts that seemed hilarious with a cloud of glee surrounding us. I would sit on their mom's seat taken out of her van and just talk for hours. I felt like I was starting to get closer to truly knowing them.

In the four years of high school, the three of us became inseparable. Always spending time together in the library at lunch, kicking the shit or attempting to complete assignments.

But there was a falling out that happened in grade 10. There was a miscommunication between Delilah and I, one that could have been solved if I didn't choose to stop talking to her. She had started to become a bit unreliable, always changing plans last minute that I rushed to accommodate. It all seems so trivial now, but at the time it really upset me. I hated any change to our schedule because I was even more anxious than I am now. I really hated trying to fit in with everyone at school. Hated even making eye contact while passing people in the halls. One day, I reached my widths end and stopped texting, calling, and hanging out with her. In the fallout, I decided it would be easier for Jalen if I stopped talking to them too. I thought that by taking their decision away, they wouldn't be stressed out by having to make a choice. Silly now to look back on; they were perfectly capable of deciding for themself.

After a year, Delilah and I made up and talked things out (for the most part) and slowly started rebuilding our friendship. I apologized to Jalen, explaining why I did what I did and recognizing that I made a poor judgement. The rest of high school went as smoothly as it could and we finally graduated. Something that we had all been waiting for since the start of grade 9. They both chose to pursue post-secondary while I opted for a gap year. I didn't feel like I was ready to take on that big decision as I hadn't yet found my passion. I was happy that they were both able to find that, albeit a bit jealous, naturally.

During our time together, it seemed that the only thing the three of us would do was reminisce. Talk about the people we disliked, the strange teachers, the awkward assemblies in the gym. I was growing bored of not being able to move past it. Not being able to forge new memories with each other.

Somewhere along the way, Delilah and I stopped having an amicable relationship with each other. I think we left a lot of things unsaid because we had known each other for such a long time. Too afraid to speak the truth and hurt feelings. Jalen and I, however, only got stronger in the years following. I saw them often and we would talk about all the things on your minds without hesitance. Although it was a bit slow going and we rarely went out to explore new places together, it was perfectly comfortable. The thing with me and comfortability is that I become bored. I am always seeking for more and wanting to expand beyond what I know. I felt that Jalen was happy where they were and didn't want to push the boundary. For the time being, I was complacent with that.

The three of us would still spend time together, but it became less and less. Delilah and I would make jabs at each other and leave Jalen in the middle, with them not knowing what to do. Despite this, we made tentative plans to get matching tattoos. A star, moon, and sun. Each representing our personalities. We decided that I would get the moon, Jalen would get the sun, and Delilah would get the star. I wasn't fully committed because I personally am against getting matching tattoos with anyone. I would much rather get tattoos to express my own self, rather than a defining stamp of status with other people. Sounds haughty, I know. Weeks went past after this drunken/high discussion, with talks of it few and far between.

Then one day I received a text from Jalen.

They said that they were going to get a tattoo and wondered if I wanted to come with them. I already had commitments for the day so I had to decline. I asked what they were getting and they told me about the one they had been planning for a while. I told them to send me pictures once they'd gotten it. Apparently Delilah was also going, and for the same reasons. Suspicion tingled in the back of my mind, but I tried my hardest to ignore it.

Five hours later and Jalen still hadn't texted me. I went on Snapchat and saw that Delilah had posted something on her story. I clicked on it and my heart dropped. On Delilah's story, there was a picture of her arm next to Jalen's. One had a sun and the other a moon. My moon. On Delilah's forearm. Now I knew why Jalen hadn't texted me. They lied.

I decided to text Jalen. To see if they would confess or make up some excuse. I guess I ended up getting both. They said that both of their tattoo artists couldn't do what they wanted so they decided to get the matching tattoos. But didn't they realize they were missing one in the equation? I asked why they didn't wait for me and Jalen said it was because I said I was busy. But I didn't think that they were getting the matching tattoos, otherwise I would have asked for them to wait for me. I felt betrayed.

After a lot of back and forth with petty replies and indirect answers, Jalen told me that they felt our relationship wasn't solid enough to get the tattoo. They felt we've had such a rocky relationship and who knows when things may go south again. I was unreliable.

I didn't even know what to say to that. I couldn't comprehend why we hadn't had that discussion if they felt this strongly about it. I was completely blindsided.

I never talked to Delilah that day, as the only one I was truly hurt by was Jalen. This, I expected from Delilah, but never Jalen. I texted the group chat and said simply "I'm done, I wish you the best". To which I never received any response. Just like that, no recourse or anything. Just over. A part of me wished that they would say something, anything, to make me reconsider and chalk it up to being over-dramatic. But no. They were gone from my life for good.

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I never got any closure from this abrupt ending. To this day I have fleeting thoughts about it and lie awake in anguish, wishing things would have gone differently. But in a way, I was looking for an escape from them. I had outgrown them and was ready to move on. To something new and invigorating, something I hadn't experienced before. Maybe the feeling I'm holding onto is guilt. Guilt for not being true to them, not being true to myself in expressing that I no longer needed their friendship. I had already moved on, but didn't know how to let go gently. This provided just the opportunity I was looking for.

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To be able to let go of the past, I've realized I need some form of closure. Some valuable lesson that I can extract from it in order to move on. Without that, I continue in a cycle of self-hatred and remorse. Questioning my integrity and wasting endless tears.

I've dissected all of this before and none of it has brought me peace. I think that I was missing the ability to be grateful for what we had and knowing that it was no longer what I needed. I feel guilt for using this drama-filled exit as an easy escape from a situation I didn't know how to leave. I hope that by giving it thanks I can learn to ease the hold it has upon me. I no longer need, or want, it weighing me down when I should be focusing my energy on present endeavours.

Of course I wish we could sit down and talk about all of this, but that's not something that's possible. I have no contact with them and truly don't wish to. We are living separate from each other and I don't want to back-pedal. The best I can do is let go. A part of them will live forever inside me, as do all important relationships from my past. But I will not allow it to have this hold over me. It has had its time and I'm deciding it's finished. Goodbye. Farewell. I thank you for your lesson, and now I must continue without you.