The Trials of Passion

I don't know how I feel right now. After discussing with you how to push through your mental barriers and tackle small tasks, I find myself lacking the courage to do so. I need to wash my hair and unpack and start something creative but they all seem too big to accomplish. I've been following the steps I laid out for you. I've started by doing my laundry and dismantling the tower of growing dishes in my room. I've taken time to myself to recharge and watch my recent obsession on Netflix, Glamourous. I meditated the other night and found peace in my happy place. I've worked out and cleared my mind and processed all that has happened to me recently.

But I still feel stuck. It's a matter of anxiety surrounding my job. It's almost over and I've had no bites while putting out my resume. I'm reconsidering the direction I want to follow in regards to post-secondary, not knowing if woodworking is truly something I want to commit myself to.

I love writing so much. It gives me freedom and the ability to connect with myself through the flow of my words. I can let it out of my mind and make the tangled mess something tangible.

I've been thinking that this is something that I should explore further. I haven't ever genuinely considered writing professionally or making it a career. I write myself off because I think it's a dream too big. But it's something I've always felt in my heart. It resonates so strongly that I would be a fool to ignore it.

I just felt that I should go with the safe option. One that I'm still interested in, yes, but one that I know has stability in regards to the future and my paycheque. I've got it in my head that this is the only way I will succeed. That I have to choose a 'real' career in order to be valid and secure. But what if I step out of my comfort zone? Explore something that I'm already passionate and somewhat knowledgeable in? I wonder what awaits me there. I know it's a gamble to try for something that feels so big, but there's no perfect time to start. I have to take initiative and trust the process. Commit myself to learning new skills and building upon existing ones.

I'm not sure what form this will take for me. I'm not interested in writing articles for magazines that are fillers in between issues. I'm not interested in pumping out daily columns that don't contribute to my morals. I do not wish to sacrifice my ethics or beliefs to fulfill my standing. It needs to light my fire and challenge me. It needs to make me question myself, my intent, and encourage me to dig deeper.

It would be a dream to write a book. Taking note of all my growth and darkest moments. I want people to be able to relate to the work I'm putting out, to truly gain something from my insight. I want to create a safe space where people can come together and contemplate, reflect on their existence and do well to befit improvement.

The urge to help others has always been at my core. In all my relationships, I put my all into making sure they flourish, which is an aspect of myself I both love and hate. It can cause me to forget myself and my needs, sure, but above all I feel gratitude that they trust me enough to provide my twist on wisdom. I like to innovate new ideas and instill a sense of empowerment behind their actions. It makes me feel that I'm making a difference, that I have the ability to turn their day around with a few jokes and open ears.

That's what I want to provide to people. I want them to feel safe and secure to delve into the most blackened parts of themselves, to see the transformative beauty in their pain.

Just some things I've been thinking about lately. My mindset on my career has shifted and I want to follow where it's taking me. There's a world of possibilities out there and I don't want to limit myself.

I've done some shadow work lately, reflecting on why it is that I feel the urge to follow a certain path in my career. If you're also in a position of indecisiveness, maybe this will provide a good example of how to free your thinking and take charge.

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Why don't I think I can make woodworking a career for myself? Is it lack of faith in my abilities? Do I think I'm only doing it to please others? Will it bring me joy, fulfillment?

I know I'm scared to try something new, but it also feels like there might be something else behind this. I've often thought about going into the trades, to both prove Alan right and wrong, shove it in his face that I am capable, but also make him proud for doing so. But he's not in my life, he's not a factor. And even if he were, I shouldn't need this validation or approval.

I think about how other people will view my decisions, rather than how I view them. I don't value my own because I am out of touch with them. The idea of creating with my hands excites me, but I also want more than that. I want to merge worlds of creativity and skill to create something unique and powerful.

I don't know what this will look like, what it could look like. Maybe I have to dip my feet in the water to find out, or maybe my doubt is coming from a real place. Maybe this path doesn't quite suit me. Maybe there's something lingering, something unexplored that's calling my name.

If I'm honest with myself, the idea of measuring, cutting, and fastening wood doesn't seem nearly as exciting as I've built it up to be. I've been convincing myself that once I learn the basics, I can flourish from there. As it is, I'm not sure I want that. It's practical, and frankly, boring. I almost feel like I would be wasting other talents I have that I've left dormant for a long time.

Some things I know about myself: I love nature but rarely spend time in it, writing fulfills me, my love for Oscar outlasts time, I want to succeed, I see a bright future ahead, I worship the moon, I thrive off of genuine connections, learning excites me, science intrigues me, I enjoy uplifting others.

What could this mean in regards to my career?

I've pondered something in the wildlife field, kinesiology, carpentry, a number of trades, jewelry maker, therapist, writer, novelist. I have many interests and choosing only one feels so limiting. But I know I can only choose one. Or can I choose more? I could study a major and a minor, I could choose a career that has multiple facets in regards to my daily workload, I could become an entrepreneur, a jack of all trades. I want to master it all. I don't want to choose.

There has to be something out there that fits my criteria, and if not, I'll have to make something for myself. I could take basic courses of entrepreneurship and writing and biology. Take what I can from them while creating my own interpretation of a career. Things are not so rigid and clear-cut. I can bend lines and cross boundaries, why have I never thought of this before? I can take what I need and leave the rest. Approach it in a way that doesn't make me feel like the program I'm taking will define the coming years of my life negatively if I do not succeed. School is a mere stepping stone to where I'm going.

I'm making it much scarier that it is.

It will open up possibilities I never knew attainable, help guide me on my journey to see what clicks for me. I do not have to conform to one way of thinking or a traditional career. I can put my own spin on things and think outside typical parameters. I need to cultivate ideas which inspire this. Find my spark and delve into my core. Let the ideas come to me and take note of them all, leave no rock unturned.

This is where I begin.

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Shadow work allows you to question your beliefs, without judgement. Let everything pour out of you onto the page and see what you can make of it. I think it's best to use pen and paper, for me, it flows better that way. There's a freedom in writing in a space that's yours and yours alone.

Try it out and see if it works for you.

You may just find the answers you've been looking for.