When Will I Allow This to Stop?

Does life ever feel so directionless to you? Like no matter what you do, you'll always end up exactly where you are now? I've been feeling like this for a few days now. It usually means that I'm entering a rut, or maybe I've missed my meds a few too many times. That's definitely part of it. But nonetheless, I've entered a stagnant period because of it. I'm second guessing all of my decisions, can't seem to find happiness in the activities that usually provide it, and overall have no creative motivation. Even though I've been forcing myself to crochet and write and clean up my apartment, this time it hasn't been helping. It hasn't rejuvenated me like it often does. I haven't found my spark.

With all my usual motivators not working, what do I do now? Maybe I have to dig a little bit beneath the surface to find out the root cause.

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Lately, I've had a few changes in my life. I recently quit my cleaning job and started back at a landscaping company I worked for last summer. At the time I didn't particularly enjoy it more than any job I'd had before, but after dealing with passive aggressive management for five months, I gladly welcome it back. But there is this part of me that thinks it wasn't the best move for me. Maybe I should've stuck it out at the cleaning job long enough to find a new job entirely. To find a new beginning to occupy my time until I go back to school next year for carpentry.

When I left landscaping last November in favour of factory work, I told myself that I'd never be back where I was. While I enjoyed it, I got burnt out from the physical labour and repetitive tasks once we came to the end of the season. I wasn't feeling fulfilled where I was and I wanted to leave to find something more exciting. Yet here I am. In exactly the same position this year, having to think about applying to jobs in two months when time for snow removal comes around. I could always stay on through the winter, but the weather is so inconsistent. I need reliable hours to depend upon for my rent, bills, and other basic necessities. No matter how much I like a job or don't like a job is irrelevant. Right now the only thing I can think about is how much money I'm making. I resent this fact.

But there's so much to think about once you're independent. You have to meet deadlines or there are dire consequences. There's no hand-holding or freebies to give you a boost when you need it. You have to work hard then work harder as there's always another payment coming out in the days to come.

Because of this, money is a huge stressor in my life, not to mention the main thing that controls every decision I make. Living paycheque to paycheque is not ideal, but I'm trying to make it work. Some weeks are worse than others, when I think I can't possibly last any longer doing what I am, but I must persevere. I clean people's houses on the weekends to cover extra expenses, I'm branching out on Etsy to sell products I enjoy making in my free time, and I'm in the process of cutting back expenditures. Let me tell you, it hasn't been easy.

Going from living with my mom and having actual savings to splitting rent with my sister and having absolutely no savings to fall back on, it's been an adjustment. One that I'm still learning how to balance.

You see, I tend to over-indulge with my spending. Ever since I got my first job, I realized that I had the freedom to spend my money how I wanted. At the time, I was fresh out of high school and didn't have much responsibility. Therefore, I didn't make the smartest choices.

I'd say that online shopping and fast food were the two main problem areas for me. I got used to stopping at Tim's all the time or seeing a trinket in a store and convincing myself I just had to have it. They were mostly small purchases, but they added up quickly. Any online shopping I did would go on my credit card and I'd be able to pay it off because at the time, I didn't have more bills than car insurance and my phone bill.

Now that my living situation is different, and I have many bills to account for, it's not possible for me to make consistent and sufficient payments to my credit card. For the first few months of living in my apartment, I would still spend my money as if I didn't have bills to pay. I didn't ever think that I would be cutting into my abysmal savings just to pay my car insurance for the month, only to have $23 left until payday in a week.

If there's anything to learn from this, it's that budgeting is a skill I need to learn, and fast. Budgeting requires immense discipline and respect for the money that I'm earning. I can't just throw it away on impulse purchases at the thrift or book store like I used to. I only have room for essentials in my life now since I'm pretty well broke at this point. I don't know why this is so hard for me to remember. It's like I keep forgetting that I don't have extra money to be spending.

Going forward, I plan to write out my income and expenses at the beginning of each week in order to properly keep track of everything. I tend to make purchases then proceed to not check my bank balance for 5-6 days in fear of how low the number will be. In doing this, it is a drastic disservice. It's not a sustainable way to manage my finances and leaves me blind to an accurate estimation of upcoming bill withdrawals. I also want to spend money as if I have less than I do for each paycheque coming in. I hope that holding a lower number in my mind for income will help me stay on course for my budget. It should give me a little bit of surplus, extra money to be stored away in savings or for emergency spending such as car repairs.

I need to hold these rules in mind at all times and really think before making a purchase. Valuing these will make or break me in terms of feeling constant stress towards my financial situation. I would really love to feel comfortable with the amount of money I have coming in and not have to worry about whether or not I'll make the payment on time for my hydro and gas. It's prudent that I master this because I have another thing running against me; an addiction. Courtesy of an ex-friend and factory work, I became addicted to cigarettes. Gotta love it.

I first tried them because my friend at the time bought a pack and offered me one. Being the people pleaser that I am, but also out of curiosity, I said yes. I wish that I could take back that moment. I remember refusing at first but I became so fascinated with the idea of it. As a kid I would always hold my breath when I walked past smokers, but grown up me thought, "wow this is something that I can just choose to do, that's crazy". And so I did it. Chasing the thrill of doing something once forbidden and overall not healthy for me.

Mixing this blossoming addiction with a both physically and mentally intensive job at an auto parts manufacturer was less than ideal. It was shift work, alternating every two weeks between day shift and afternoon shift. I was constantly exhausted and overworked, seeking any kind of release I could find. It started out small, one or two ciggies on my lunch break as I really couldn't handle much more nicotine at that point. Once I got more familiar with that raspy feeling in the back of my throat, the sharp inhales and long releases rolling off my tongue, I knew this was dangerous. For a while I stuck to my usual coping mechanisms, smoking weed and occasionally going out drinking at the club. However, soon enough I gave into full blown addiction and was smoking half a pack a day. On harder days it was more, I won't lie. It became part of my routine and personality. Even if I didn't like the taste of them at first, I wanted to keep smoking for the sake of appearances. I liked the idea of me having this as an extension of who I was. I found it favourable and attractive, that I seemed more mysterious or stoic. I really don't know what inspired this delusion. And it's hard to admit that I haven't outgrown these thoughts yet. After all, once it's integrated, it's very hard to let go.

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After about half a year of smoking strictly cigarettes, I ventured into vaping. I have to say, I really hate vaping. The flavours are always too powerful and it just doesn't feel as real as a pack of Belmonts. I still only craved for that ashy taste coating my throat, which really shouldn't sound appealing at all, but I just couldn't help it. I still continued vaping, mixing the two together with not a single care for my already asthmatic lungs. I knew that in the long run I would regret this, that this could cause serious and permanent damage to my body, but this addiction persists even today. I can't seem to find enough self-control to stop for longer than two weeks, won't allow myself past the phases of irritability and constant cravings.

I think the propellant behind my flippant discipline is that this is a new way to cause harm to myself. I've had harmful tendencies towards myself since I was about 10 years old. I think it's the longest lasting addiction that I've faced. It's one that I always think I've outgrown, but I always come back to it.

It started as self harm, then turned into smoking weed nearly everyday, then toxic friendships, self-sabotage, and now cigarettes. It's always something. Sometimes all of them at the same time. I have no boundaries when it comes to smothering myself beneath mistreatment. All this to say, I won't stop something if I know that it can harm me. I like to stick around and see how bad it will get. How much I can take of it. How badly I can hate myself to continue treating myself like shit. It's almost like a competition. One where I see where my breaking point is and how far I can charge right past it. It's one that I'll never win, only lose.

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No matter how satisfying it is to see how deeply I can spiral, I'm now realizing that this isn't what I want for myself. I don't want to be dependent on things to give me temporary serotonin through harmful pathways. They don't last long anyway, which is what keeps me coming back for more. But this isn't the right way to attain what I'm looking for. I'm looking for permanence. I'm looking for reliability. I won't find those in things that waste my time, money, and health. And it's easy to write this and think, "yes, I've done it. I'm putting my foot down and can finally admit that I need to stop. It'll be no trouble now for me to quit". But it's going to take a lot more than this, and I'm scared of the work to come. That's partly why I've put it off for so long, simply because I didn't want to deal with the aftermath of my decision. The poignant cravings, conflicting mood swings, lashing out, reverting into my anger issues, the general frustration and restlessness. These are all uncomfortable things. Things that anyone would try to avoid. But I have no one to blame except for myself. I allowed myself to follow this thread to self-destruction and I have to be willing to do the work to get me out of it.

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To be quite honest, I don't know where to start that won't end in failure. I've already tried cold-turkey, which definitely does not work for me. I've tried weaning myself off of them, but it ends up an excuse to keep buying them because I don't want to just suddenly stop. I've tried only vaping then stopping vaping, but the addiction only comes back full swing. I want to be at the point where I have cigarettes left in the pack, but I have the self-restraint to not smoke any. To not be tempted at any point to light one up and reminisce. Because every time that I do, I'm so disappointed in myself. And extremely frustrated that I have to start the whole process all over again. I need a replacement but don't know where to look for one. All my hobbies that I do right now are done in between hits of my vape, or drives in my car as an excuse to smoke. So I can't very well replace it with those. There's herbal vapes with no nicotine that I could get, but those still cost money, of which I don't have for frivolous things. The way I see it, I need to finally show up for myself and really try my best. I always stop smoking with the intention of quitting, but never with any real motivation to rid myself of it entirely. Now there are consequences: both my health and my finances. I shouldn't need anymore of a wake up call than this. It needs to stop.

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I know I spiralled a bit there from my original topic, but I think I've found the root cause of my agitation today. I haven't had any nicotine in a day, besides hits of my dead vape whenever I feel the instinct to pick it up. It's making me antsy and confined within my head, unable to get things out because I'm being so consumed by thoughts of nicotine and getting a fix. I don't need a fix, I need a solution. I need a plan to execute and a means to get there. I need to work on this starting today. I can't say that I'll be perfect, but for now I at least want to be better. And anything is better than where I'm at now.

I'm sure that there's many of you out there facing your own addiction and set of consequences. I'm optimistic that sharing this will help you in one way or another. Maybe it will keep you accountable. Maybe it's just good to know that you're not struggling all by yourself. No matter what it is, thank you for listening to me, thank you for hearing me. Sometimes I just need a way to get out of my head so that my focus becomes clear.

This could be helpful for you too. Just start writing. Letting it all flow out of you. You might be surprised to see where you end up, I know I was. You have to have the courage to point out your faults and take responsibility for them. Without doing this, you will never be able to truly know yourself or heal troubled areas. I believe in you and I'm sure there's many people in your life who feel the same. Don't take your failures too hard; they exist to help you grow, as painful as they are.

I'll see you in the next one. Be well and stay true to your journey in the meantime.

:)