Yesterday

I've kind of been treating this space as a journal of sorts. Popping in when something's on my mind or feel the need to share something I'm passionate about. It feels like a safe space where I can be brutally honest with myself about how I'm feeling. It's allowed me to process a lot of difficult emotions and set up a schedule to get me through the days. I can only hope it's doing the same for you.

Two months. It's been that long, maybe even more, since I've written in my paperback journal. This blog has replaced the need of venting my mind with pen and paper. While I still craft many of my posts on paper before typing them out, it's fallen to the wayside a bit. I suppose it's because I'm releasing my emotions here so I don't need to also write them out in my traditional journal. It makes me a bit sad though. It was a way for me to connect with myself genuinely and with privacy. Not that I don't love sharing my story, but it feels like I'm giving up some crucial parts of myself.

Then I close my computer and don't really think of them. I suppose that's normal, however. After I was done journaling for the night, I would close my book and disconnect a bit. After getting out all of my frustrations I was finally able to see clearly, without a haze covering my vision.

Both of these methods of journaling allow me to fulfill detachment from myself. It's necessary for someone like myself who is constantly stuck in their head. It's hard for me to go forth and actually do things. Take action and discover new possibilities.

I know that this is helping. I, for once in my life, am actually planning next steps and making plans for the day. I use my planner consistently and track the activities I partake. It keeps me accountable. Something to always come back to at the end of the day or in the middle, take some time to go over the tasks I wish to accomplish.

Anyways, not sure where that came from. I guess I felt the need to share.

Gently moving on, a little life update for you. That friend I've talked about? The one that isn't willing to be emotionally vulnerable with me? Well I texted her last weekend, asking to chat for a bit. We ended up calling. For six minutes and thirty eight seconds. And in that phone call I asked why we haven't talked in a month. I told her my perspective, that I was giving her space after we had a talk about the possibility of her being more open to me. I really laid it all on the table. I let her know how important it is for me to be able to express our true feelings to each other. That it's something I value above all else and allows me to fully connect with another person. To that she said that she's independent and only shares things when she really feels she needs to. She said that she prefers to deal with things by herself and not involve another person.

I understand where she's coming from with this. Her whole life, her parents reinforced keeping her emotions to herself and not allowing her to process them. But now that she's living for herself, I think she is perfectly capable of growing past this. Independence does not mean never relying on another person when you're struggling. Being independent means being self-capable, not solely self-reliant. It means accepting help when you need it, asking for what you need to express yourself and be seen in a relationship. I don't think it's fair for her to hide behind this. I can see it for the excuse that it is.

She is not ready to change.

And I can't do that for her.

If she's not in a place where she thinks she has control over her decisions, I'm not going to waste my time trying to get her to realize the truth. It has to be something that she wants and is ready to accept in her life. It would mean uprooting deeply conditioned tendencies and breaking out of the form she's been in her entire life.

Even more, I asked her where she sees our relationship going from here. She didn't really have an answer for that. So like the fixer I am, never able to let go of broken things, I suggested that we both take time to think of some boundaries. Those which will help me not step over invisible borders she has, but has never thought to enlighten me to. But then, I know this will not be fulfilling to me. The relationship would continue as it always has: talking about surface level happenings of our days and the occasional rant of familial issues. That's one aspect of a friendship, sure, but it's not enough for me. I know myself well enough that I will only become frustrated by this. I need to have deep rooted friendships, to know the other person inside and out to be able to be the best version of myself. I can't do that when I don't truly understand the inner workings of her mind. I never quite know where I stand.

-

Am I asking too many questions? Does sharing my trauma make her uncomfortable? Will I ever express my emotions and be met with understanding and care?

Rocky waters is where we reside. I either want to be certain that things will get better from here, or that I should jump ship while I still can.

-

It's been a week since that brief conversation. I don't have much hope that she'll reach out to me. I've told her in the past that if she ever does something, exactly like what she's done now, that I would wait until she comes to me. Wait until she realizes what she did and own up to those actions. This time, after a month of waiting, I gave up and reached out to her. I will not be doing it again. I only have so much patience and I do not want to trigger my currently dormant anger issues. I will explode and cause a massive falling out, all because I feel unappreciated and unseen by her.

We'll see what happens. Though, I do have to ask myself, what will be my response if she is ready to express herself to me? Will I even want it? I can't say for sure that I do. At one point, maybe, but it's been too long. Too much waiting, too much failed hope; I'm a bit depleted from the lack of trying. Burnt out is the best way I could describe it. I've been putting my all into maintaining this relationship and not getting anything back. I'm reaching my breaking point, may even be past it now. There's no turning back the clock, what's done is done. I may be moving on from her, onto new experiences with new people.

-

I don't think I'll feel this loss as strongly as other relationships. I'm already so disconnected from her and don't care to be close with her anymore. She has already proved the kind of person she is and that doesn't resonate with me. And that's okay. Not everybody who are friends should be friends, or are meant to be friends. Maybe this one is a lesson. A lesson in patience and knowing my worth, being able to say no to things that will not serve me, being able to accept that I don't have to go along with whatever other people want.

This is my life and it's my choice who I spend it with. Some people are not destined for eternity, and I make peace with that.

-

My sister's boyfriend came and talked to me tonight. We were sharing ciggies and he asked to speak with me about something (yes, I relapsed again). He told me that my sister had been talking to him about how she wished I had someone to talk to. Like what she has with him: someone to share the worries of the day with, the frustrations and socializations. A way to destress and recalibrate. He said that he's here for me, if I ever need someone to talk to.

This honestly made me see him in a whole new light. I can see what my sister sees in him now. It was very sweet of him to offer that, given that we're not too close, at least not yet. I really appreciate it. Both the fact that my sister was concerned about me and that he is so open to being there for me should I need it. It was just a nice gesture, and perfectly timed too.

Working on this post today has once again reminded me of my loneliness. How desperate I feel for connection and care from another person. It's nice to be assured that there's people here in my life to support me, I just have to be better at letting them in.

I closed off a lot after my previous friendship. I don't think I realized how much until now. That's something I've been saying a lot lately. But it rings true. It's affected me with my familial relationships, not just my friendships. I no longer know how to communicate with people to let them know that I need support and I need comfort. I forgot to ask for these things because I was so used to receiving them from my ex-friend. The lack of her presence made me lose touch with a vital part of myself, left me bereft and unable to portray my emotions beyond a simple sentence about my day. It's hard for me to put my feelings into words, which is funny since I'm able to do it here, for all of you.

I guess it's just harder when you're face to face with someone. My sister has known me my whole life, she knows my past, my tendencies, my work. But she doesn't really know my mental state. I've blocked that off because I feel like that's something I could only do with my ex-friend, let's call her Crystal. Crystal and I were so open with each other, we could talk about literally anything. Now I'm lost without that. Lost and oh so alone.

Working on bettering myself is going to be hard. I will have to let my defenses crumble and be vulnerable once again. I try to, I really do, but the moments are few and far between. I just don't see my sister as someone I can be like that with. This is due to our relationship being a bit rocky a couple months ago. It caused me to feel like I couldn't, shouldn't, be open with her like that because she looked down on me: I didn't want to add proof behind it. I felt that admitting I wasn't in a good mental space would fuel the fire and make her feel even more secure than me. Actually writing this out makes me sound absolutely nuts. Wow. Why do I view my relationships like this? I make the other person seem completely horrible in my head to dissuade myself from accepting their support. Classic self-sabotage at work again.

I do this with every single person I come in contact with. My sister, her boyfriend, my boss, my mom. I always have an underlying storyline for what I think they think of me. I try to gauge their stance by the way they act to me, which changes by the moment. I then define our entire relationship based off of a few instances in which I felt they didn't like me anymore, or were upset with me.

My brain likes to spin things so that they become a bigger deal than they are. It causes me to not take risks, in fact actively avoid them, so that I don't feel the discomfort of rejection. This effectively keeps me where I am and stunts me from achieving self-growth.

That's a big revelation for me. My inner chatter usually isn't so subtle that I miss it entirely.

It happened to me just now. I heard whispered voices from my sister's room, while I'm in the living room. My brain automatically made me think that she's telling her boyfriend how sad and pathetic I am. That she's looking down on me and doesn't approve of my life choices. I really need to work on building up my confidence and not letting my ego get the best of me.

I need to make some affirmations for this:

No one is out to get me.

I am safe, I am loved, I am secure.

Trust in yourself and follow your intentions.

It's so easy to get lost in the imagined ideas of other people. I just need to problem solve and think of a way that I can redirect this misguided anxiety. It must stem from my fear of rejection, from trauma involving my father from the past. I'm so scared of not being accepted that I create anxious fantasies to stop me from doing just so.

-

"What a tragedy", my sarcastic, jaded mind jabs.

No, I can't let it get the best of me once again.

I will move through this and then past.

I will not surrender to ego's taunts.

I will be better.